Lloyds horse quits

THE Lloyds horse has stepped down after losing confidence in the bank.

Stallion Roy Hobbs was an iconic figure in the financial services industry, but became increasingly disillusioned in the wake of the PPI scandal.

He said: “As a horse, I shared none of the corporate values of Lloyds but was happy to persist with my role in exchange for a paddock, treats and a fence to rest my chin on.

“I began to get pissed off when they started their own in-branch radio station. No-one wants to hear All Saints’ Never Ever when they’re writing out a paying in slip.

“But mainly it was that they’re a bunch of bastards.”

A Lloyds spokesman said: “It’s a blow, but already we were thinking of switching the horse for a lizard. There’s just something about lizards that we find appealing.”

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New Cure album aimed at hard people

THE Cure’s new album is aimed at people with big necks who are good at fighting.

The band has ditched its trademark ethereal goth-pop sound on Party Up Gangsta Style, which showcases a new ‘hard person’ direction influenced by the playlists of provincial nightclubs.

Cure frontman Robert Smith said: “Banging dance tracks like Oi Oi Saveloy, Don’t Front and Bitchslap will alienate some of our old fans with their massive b-lines and numerous references to ‘fanny’.

“But fuck that lot, they’re pussies! Also we’ve seen marketing data that says depressed loners have less disposable income that red-blooded townie lads.”

He added: “Nowadays we’re all about partying, punching people and picking on the weak.”

“We’re doing a live PA in a barracks town tomorrow, at an immense corporate-style venue with cheap drinks and some Page 3 girls getting their tits signed. They’re got foam cannons.

“And our Ibiza rave anthem High As Infinity is already being hammered by Calvin Harris so that’s probably the biggest artistic achievement of our career.

“He’s like the world’s biggest DJ right now, fucking wicked mate.”

Goth Tom Logan said: “I put the record on, stood in front of a mirror and punched myself. It made me hate myself, which I kind of liked I suppose.”