Londoner hates everywhere outside of London too

A LONDONER would love to leave London if everywhere he visited outside of London was not equally sh*t, he has admitted. 

Joe Turner hates London’s extortionate rents, overcrowded trains and unfriendly people, but recent trips to Wales and the Midlands have not convinced him he could do better elsewhere.

He said: “I could afford a house in Cardiff no problem. But it’s a bit of a sh*thole, isn’t it?

“Like the city centre’s alright during the day, but at night it’s swamped with pissed-up Valleys girls and drive ten minutes in any direction and it’s just grey terraced houses in the pissing rain.

“And in theory I could move to to Leicester, but after a weekend there I challenge any resident to give me a solid reason why I should. I’ve never seen anywhere so dispiritingly flat.

“Manchester’s alright but I’m averse to being punched in the face. Bristol’s unbearably smug, Edinburgh’s f*cking freezing and the less said about Leeds, the better.

“I might as well stay here. Say what you like about London, at least it’s not everywhere else.”

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UK bins to stink 'worse than bins in Ibiza' this weekend

THE heatwave set to hit the UK this weekend will see the country’s bins reeking even worse than bins in Ibiza, weathermen have announced. 

Temperatures of up to 40 degrees will mean that British alleyways will be outstenching comparable alleys in Barcelona, Rome, Corfu and Ayia Napa, with buzzing flies at record levels.

Meteorologist Denys Finch Hatton said: “After a wet and odour-dampening couple of months, it’s great news for fans of a really powerful reek.

“This warm front is really going to kick decomposition into high gear, with those big bins behind restaurants and school canteens absolutely unendurable.

“Do try to be careful if you’re walking past one, especially mid-afternoon, and check on older neighbours who may need kitchen bins emptying. Otherwise, enjoy it!”

Helen Archer of Reading said: “I’ve been to Majorca in summer and the whole place smells like something died.

“To think that we’ll have worse than that here in Britain, well – it does make you a little bit proud.”