Low turnout sees one-eyed drug boss elected as police commissioner

DISFIGURED crack dealer Stephen Malley has been elected police commissioner for Gloucestershire.

Independent candidate Malley won with four votes, or 80% of the entire vote for the county, after a successful campaign in which he threatened to burn his neighbours’ house down.

Malley, whose colourful past includes losing an eye in a machete duel, said: “In the past the police and I haven’t always been on the same wavelength, especially after I strangled someone with barbed wire.

“At the time I said I didn’t do it, but now I’m a boss copper I suppose I can come clean. What am I going to do – arrest myself? Also that was a long time ago.

“I feel very strongly about the legalisation of murder, although only for people who owe me money.

“Also I want to see more relaxed controls on fully automatic weapons, including anti-aircraft guns.

“And I’m going to be very tough on rival drug gangs. Obviously not on my own drug gang, that would be idiotic.”

Malley likes to spend his spare time in his heavily-fortified detached home ‘with a load of prozzies’.

He said: “I love my dogs, they’re called Scorpion, ‘Da Boss’, and Quickfire.

“In fact, I’m changing the law so that you don’t need to have pitbulls on a lead and if they attack anyone the victim pays a cash fine.”



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Pudsey electrified to prevent hugging

ANY child that touches Pudsey bear will get a massive electric shock, it has emerged.

Wary of further accusations of ’70s style’ behaviour involving minors, the BBC has electrified all of its Pudsey costumes. The wearer is protected by special insulation, but anyone who touches the bear will get a jolt strong enough to kill an adult cat.

Parent Tom Logan said: “We were at a Family Fun Day in Derby, my six-year-old Sam ran up to Pudsey and hugged his leg.

“There was a crackling sound, a terrible smell of melting hair and an ear-piercing scream as my son was catapulted across the playing field like a shot putt.

“Apparently Sam had some Fanta on his hands which had amplified the current. He survived but is now terrified of any sort of humanoid animals, which pretty much means his early childhood is ruined.

“This has changed my attitude towards Children in Need from grudging tolerance to outright hostility.”

However mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I still don’t think they’ve done enough. How do you know who’s in the costume?

“They should make the suit see-through so you can be sure the person inside isn’t having a wank.”