Man discovers surname means ‘he who masturbates moles’

AN AMATEUR genealogist has discovered that his surname derives from an ancestor’s habit of masturbating woodland animals.

Tom Logan undertook extensive research in the Institute for Studies’ archive, hoping to prove that his family name was distinguished by some great historical achievement.

He said: “Apparently ‘logue’ is Olde English for ‘mole’ and ‘an’ is an abbreviation of ‘wank’.

“So my surname translates literally as ‘mole wank’ or ‘wanker of moles’.”

Records show that Logan’s medieval relative Tomas ‘the Lowgan’ was arrested for masturbating moles, then imprisoned naked in a cage at a major crossroads which passersby would pelt with vegetables and dung while encouraging their children to mock him.

Logan added: “Apparently he was a trapper who sold mole pelts, and he believed that pleasuring the moles manually made their coats silkier.

“That seems reasonable enough to me. It’s a shame he was so misunderstood.”

He added: “What an amazing emotional journey this has been.”