Man discovers surname means ‘he who masturbates moles’

AN AMATEUR genealogist has discovered that his surname derives from an ancestor’s habit of masturbating woodland animals.

Tom Logan undertook extensive research in the Institute for Studies’ archive, hoping to prove that his family name was distinguished by some great historical achievement.

He said: “Apparently ‘logue’ is Olde English for ‘mole’ and ‘an’ is an abbreviation of ‘wank’.

“So my surname translates literally as ‘mole wank’ or ‘wanker of moles’.”

Records show that Logan’s medieval relative Tomas ‘the Lowgan’ was arrested for masturbating moles, then imprisoned naked in a cage at a major crossroads which passersby would pelt with vegetables and dung while encouraging their children to mock him.

Logan added: “Apparently he was a trapper who sold mole pelts, and he believed that pleasuring the moles manually made their coats silkier.

“That seems reasonable enough to me. It’s a shame he was so misunderstood.”

He added: “What an amazing emotional journey this has been.”

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Shattered Britain pins hopes on Man United getting beaten

HOPES are high that Manchester United can restore the nation’s morale by losing heavily against Arsenal this weekend.

After seeing the world lurch inexplicably into the grip of an unpredictable tyrant, a 4-0 defeat to Arsenal is seen as the only constructive response to pull the country back from the brink of total despair.

Tom Logan, football fan said: “Not only have we Brexit to contend with but now, unbelievably, a Donald Trump presidency and the normalisation of the far right. 

“One way to fight back against that is the normalisation of Man United getting their arses handed to them on a regular basis.

“Football has the power to bring us together and bring a smile to the country’s face. In these dark times, I believe that Wayne Rooney scoring an own goal with an ill-judged bicycle kick in which he splits his shorts would do just that.

“2016 has been dreadful but if it sees Mourinho sent to the stands for biting a linesman in childish frustration at the catastrophically over-priced Paul Pogba, we may yet salvage a small sliver of joy.”