Man had forgotten that next four months suck absolute balls

A MAN has just remembered that living in Britain between the beginning of November and the end of February is a total f**king nightmare. 

Nathan Muir, from Wallasey, who is currently freezing his arse off outside a distribution centre in Warrington, realised that it had somehow slipped his mind that winter is a ballache from start to finish. 

He said: “I always knew it was cold, but not in that scrotum-tightening way my body knows when I step outside and shudder with it. And the shrinking hours of light. 

“And it just gets worse, doesn’t it? For the next four months. December’s colder then January’s colder and February’s the darkest, most miserable of them all. 

“Four months, that’s a third of the year. A third of the time living in Britain is hell. How do we consider that reasonable? 

“I’d move to LA, but I’m a shipments manager in a distribution warehouse. So I’ll just say ‘f**k this’ a lot instead.” 

Big pot of home-made soup knows half of it is going in the bin

A LARGE pot of ‘delicious’ home-made soup knows at least 50 per cent of it is getting chucked.

The soup is made from a squash bought in a 2-for-1 deal that was close to going off when its feckless owner decided to roast it.

The squash then spent three days festering on a baking tray before anyone could be bothered to blend it into soup.

Joanna Kramer, who created the soup, said: “It’s healthy and great for reducing food waste. But it was also a terrible idea, so I’ve been ordering Deliveroo instead.”

The soup added: “Shocking as this may seem, she’s far more interested in Pad Thai and Bang Bang Chicken. So that’s me shafted.

“Oh well, circle of life etc etc.”