UNDER-16s will will no longer be able to buy energy drinks, but there’s no reason adults can’t continue to enjoy them responsibly as part of a high-caffeine diet. Here’s how.
Don’t energy drink and drive
Ask a friend to confiscate your keys if you’re sitting there twitching like a squirrel on speed. Driving after 15 Monsters may feel like you’re playing Grand Theft Auto, but strangely under UK law manslaughter charges aren’t dropped once you’re six blocks away.
Never combine energy drinks with alcohol
The social cost of Red Bull concoctions can be seen in any British nightclub, as gaggles of shrieking, wired, extremely pissed women babble like maniacs. Men may mistake this for vivacity, or even flirtation, but will soon realise it’s impossible to get a word of sense out of them, if they haven’t already run off screaming because something incredibly important has happened like Beth going to the toilet.
Remember Monster is not a sex aid
An energy boost seems ideal for sex, but energy drinks are more about keeping you awake than improving stamina. While the actual sex may not be particularly affected, you tossing and turning and getting up all night may see you dumped in favour of someone who can f**king lie still for five minutes.
Do not attempt to watch a film
After your 12th can of Monster or Rockstar your attention span will be unable to cope with any film that is not literally non-stop action, and a blockbuster dinosaur-filled romp like Jurassic World: Rebirth will feel like Andy Warhol’s eight-hour static shot of the Empire State Building.
Try to limit your weirdness
For reasons that are unclear, people who are already quite strange are drawn to energy drinks. The manic energy and tendency to talk nonsense are already there, so if that’s you and you’re ripped to the tits on caffeine as well, ask yourself: ‘Are people enjoying me babbling incoherently for 20 minutes about hollow moon theory?’
Hide your addiction by pretending to be a connoisseur
Inveterate boozers justify drinking – and drinking alone – by pretending wine contains subtle flavours it obviously doesn’t like blackberries, or saying whisky is somehow good because it tastes of peat. Be equally pretentious about energy drinks, although since they all taste of chemicals you’ll be forced to say things like: ‘Mmm, this Monster Nitro is giving me strong notes of air freshener with a delightful chlorine aftertaste.’
Make sure your friends know what to do if you overdose
Like a heroin overdose, the victim needs a drug that will counter the effect of the previous drug, so in this case a drink that makes them sleepy and ready for bed. Put them in the recovery position – on their back with their mouth held open – and pour in warm milk, cocoa or Baileys. If they’re too far gone, recreate the overdose scene in Pulp Fiction and inject directly into their heart with Horlicks.
