Man thought parents were getting up to leave, but they were just making more tea

A MAN has stared into the abyss after believing his parents were finally leaving only for them to begin making another pot of tea. 

Nathan Muir, aged 35, admitted he allowed himself to hope his parental visit ordeal was over when his mother stood up and went into the hall, only for his dreams to be dashed when he heard the kettle going on.

He sobbed: “Surely it was obvious to everyone that we’d run out of conversation two hours ago.

“Even when she came and collected mugs I desperately pretended she was just washing them up by hand even though I’ve got a dishwasher, like old people do. But no.

“She came in with a look of reproach that she’d had to make herself her eight mug of tea in four hours, settled down in her chair and began telling me again what a lovely time I’d have had at Yvonne’s 50th, if I’d turned up.

“It’s the hope that kills you. I could almost taste the spliff.”

Mother Jackie Muir said: “I don’t know why he’s so mean with the tea. He knows his dad and me like a cup.”

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Student prepared to find out just how 'unconditional' university offer is

A STUDENT offered an ‘unconditional’ place at university is determined to test just how unconditional it really is, she has confirmed. 

18-year-old Emma Bradford plans to begin by not passing, or indeed taking, her A-levels and see where she can take it from there.

She said: “You threw down the gauntlet, Sheffield Hallam University. And I accept your challenge.

“According to them my place on the Fashion Management and Communication course is guaranteed whether or not I’m qualified, wanted by Interpol or a vector for bubonic plague.

“I’ll arrive in the main hall on a stolen Harley, bitchslap the vice-chancellor before setting the place aflame, then set up my Class A drug stall in the main quad.

“Following that I’ll become a notorious gangster, pimp and contract killer on campus, unleashing a tide of moral degeneracy. After that I’ll probably make a start on the reading list because there’s a fair bit to get through.”

Admissions officer Julian Cook said: “As long as she’s paid her nine grand tuition fees we couldn’t care less.”