Man who claims to give 110 per cent actually giving about 40 per cent

A MAN who claims to give more than his actual capacity is actually only giving about a third of it.

31-year-old phone salesman Stephen Malley describes himself as “a real go getter” who never accepts less than “the absolute best” from himself and those around him.

He said: “I may still live with my parents and occasionally borrow money off them but that doesn’t reflect in my work ethic.

“I don’t just say I give 110 per cent because it sounds cool. I say it because I like to think it’s probably true.”

However Malley’s supervisor Roy Hobbs said: “He’s always cocking about on Facebook. I’d probably sack him but his mum is my wife’s cousin.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies said: “Once you go over the full 100 per cent, you may as well say you give 10 million per cent.’

“You could say you give infinity plus one percent. It’s simply bollocks.”

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Worker unwittingly uses ‘Jenny’s special mug’

AN OFFICER worker who unwittingly used a forbidden ‘special mug’ is now doomed.

Marketing assistant Emma Bradford, who has only been with her employer for a fortnight, made a cup of tea using what appeared to be an unremarkable green receptacle.

However ‘Jenny’s special mug’ is seen as a kind of holy grail by its owner, and treated with a mixture of fear and awe by other staff members.

She said: “There was no label on it or anything, and it was just in the kitchen cupboard with a load of other random mugs. I assumed the mug was part of a shared ‘mug and cup pool’ that everyone could use on a casual basis.

“I’m so, so sorry.”

Co-worker Stephen Malley said: “No one’s actually sure who Jenny is but she sends very moody emails about her mug, and it is rumoured that if you use it you will die within six weeks.”

Team leader Nikki Hollis said: “She used Jenny’s special mug? That’s a pity. I thought she had potential.”

However it has since emerged that every mug in the cupboard is somebody’s ‘special mug’ and equally sacrosanct, with the exception of a badly stained one that came free from a stationery company.