Men with sports cars to use £10k speeding fine as new penis measure

MEN who define themselves with fast cars have pledged to become the first of their ilk to get a £10,000 speeding fine.

The owners of stupid, impractical vehicles went nose-to-nose on the internet to ‘talk up’ their chances of being the first ‘ten grander’.

Julian Cook, owner of a Porsche 911 with a big bit sticking out the back, said: “Right now I’m thinking, M4, Saturday night, 185 miles per hour. Then you all have to give me your wives.”

Martin Bishop, who has some BMW thing that looks like it is from a cartoon, insisted: “It’s not about who’s first, it’s about how many ‘ten granders’ you can afford. I’m going to get three by the end of the year.

“Then you’ll all have to give me your wives.”

Bishop’s wife Susan added: “I’m having an affair with an English teacher.”


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Pimm’s voted best drink with vegetables floating in it

SUMMER favourite Pimm’s has once again been named as best alcoholic drink with chunks of vegetable in it.

The drink, which is mixed in a jug with some lemonade, is also the number one thing to be poured into herbaceous borders at summer parties that are trying too hard.

Jane Thompson, fancy party editor of Tatler, said: “Nothing says summer like some gin-based cough medicine served over crushed ice, celery and baked yams.

“I love being served first from the jug, thereby getting all of the ice and all the vegetables to myself.”

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “For me, it’s usually tomatoes, onions, sprouts and an unwashed carrot.”

He added: “I go to a lot of summer parties thrown by tosspots so I always remember to take a plastic bag with me. I can then decant the vegetables and take them home. Saves me about ten quid a week.”

Francesca Johnson, from Hampstead, said: “Pimms is really for people who want to live in Hampstead.

“All the right parties serve their guests Tennent’s Super, cheekily presented in the original can.”