Most Britons strongly opposed to thinking about war

THE majority of Britons are against thinking about a new war in the Middle East.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that 89% of UK residents were ‘strongly opposed to dwelling on’ military intervention in Syria.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “My mental forces are already stretched to capacity thinking about nice clothes, buying a bigger house and children’s after school clubs.

“It’s the government’s responsibility to ensure that when I turn on the television I see comforting images of beaches, lambs and cake.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “As if I don’t have enough political concerns, what with the neighbours complaining about my plans for an extension. They should just do what they need to do but keep it off the telly.

“It’s strongly against my principles to think about these things other than as a foregone conclusion over which I have no control.

“A new war in the Middle East? No – not in my brain.”

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Scientists discover normal person called Piers

RESEARCHERS have found a man called Piers who seems normal.

45-year-old Piers Brown appears to have all the characteristics of a fully-functioning human being, despite having that Christian name.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Normal humans called Piers are incredibly rare.

“It had been claimed that they did not exist. Even the most generous estimates suggested that there were a maximum of 17 relatable Pierses on the planet.”

Official statistics show that 63% of people called Piers are estate agents, with 28% working for investment banks.

The remainder are believed to work either in branding, do something borderline illegal that involves mining rare minerals abroad, or host chat shows on American television.

Brubaker described Piers Brown as “alright”.

He said: “We went for a drink, he bought the crisps and was wearing normal footwear – not penny loafers or Timberland deck shoes.

“He didn’t mention his job and seemed like an ok guy really.

“We may now have to reassess the way we think about people with the name Piers.

“Maybe it’s not their fault – consider what sort of twisted parental mind chooses that name for an infant.”