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Most children don't really need to go to school, say experts

THE majority of British children should be excused school as it is a waste of their and society’s time, say experts. 

Education secretary Bridget Phillipson admitted that for most children there was little academic or vocational benefit from long, dreary educations filled with words and numbers.

She continued: “Once a five-year-old can go to the toilet, eat with their hands and ideally read a bit, I am happy for that child to go into a combination of apprenticeship and training shoe assembly.

“Tony Blair famously believed in education, education, education. The children from his administration are now adults and as thick as ever. He was therefore wrong.

“Rather than wasting valuable worksheets on kids who will never be anything but halfwits, they can be released early and the schools can focus on the literate and numerate elite who will grow up to become television producers.

“We don’t write off children in this country soon enough.”

School leaver Oliver O’Connor, aged 18, said: “I have already forgotten the bulk of my schooling and will never need it again. I could have been earning money.”

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Man going to Greece for holiday learning how to speak English louder

A MAN heading to Athens for his summer holiday is brushing up on how to speak English slowly and more loudly.

Stephen Malley is preparing for a week’s vacation in the Greek capital by downloading Duolingo, never opening the app, and instead practising how to speak in his native tongue at a more deafening volume.

He said: “It may look as if I’m taking the easy way out by refusing to commit even basic words like ‘hello’ and ‘please’ to memory. But projecting my voice without straining my vocal chords is arguably more difficult.

“There are all the breathing from my diaphragm exercises I have to do, not to mention how laborious it will be for me to enunciate each syllable clearly. It would be good if everyone over there could meet me halfway by mastering the English language before my flight lands this afternoon.

“So don’t think of me as lazy and ignorant. Refusing to meet the basic standards of integration is actually a cultural exchange. I get to look at the Acropolis and shop in the Monastiraki flea market, and the lucky locals get an English lesson free of charge. It’s a fair trade.”

Athens resident Nikos Papadopoulos said: “Stephen is a, how you say, bell end.”

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