Mum suspects adorable two-year-old son will grow up into total wanker

A MOTHER is increasingly convinced her cute toddler will grow up to be an insufferable tosspot as he reaches manhood.

Although Nikki Hollis dotes on son Kyle, his frequent tantrums, attention-seeking antics and disputes with his sister have led her to believe she could have an awful twat on her hands.

Hollis said: “Don’t get me wrong, Kyle’s our little treasure. Actually Kyle’s a bit of a wanker’s name for a start, isn’t it? But it just seemed to suit him, which isn’t promising.

“As he smashes his toys for the umpteenth time or pours his drink on the floor for no apparent reason I can easily imagine him dicking around annoyingly at school, or bullying much smaller kids.

“That’s what a lot of little boys turn out like. Will Kyle be any different? Almost certainly not. In fact, I think he’s cut out to be a ringleader. A wanker-in-chief.

“If I think ahead by about 35 years I can clearly see him as an obnoxious, full-of-himself office manager, maybe working in recruitment, who only talks about work, ‘shagging’ and Audis.”

Kyle then reinforced his mum’s suspicions by hitting his unsuspecting sister over the back of the head with a plastic dinosaur and laughing delightedly.

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Boris and Carrie's guide to having a quiet night in

WITH Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds now properly moved in to Downing Street, the couple reveal how they spend charming Tory evenings together.

Definitely not having blazing rows 

Boris: Every moment Carrie and I spend together is wonderfully calm and tranquil, often consisting of just gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes for hours on end. And I wouldn’t say that unless it was true. 

Carrie: Yes. Our recent screaming altercation was actually a rehearsal for our am dram group’s production of a play called The Shouty People.


Boris: Downing Street is perfect for wizard japes – sliding down hallways in your socks, jumping on the beds, hiding in the attic. It takes me right back to Eton, not that I ever left. And you should see the cabinet room – I’ve turned it into a ‘boys only’ den with the secret password ‘Winston’.

Carrie: Yes, it really doesn’t p*ss me off being a professional woman and having to slide down the stairs on a tray every night.

Being evil Tories 

Boris: With my clownish image and Carrie being a modern young woman it’s easy to forget we’re still horrible Tories. Last night we had a lovely chat about how to cut taxes for our chums and reintroduce the idea of poorhouses in a palatable way. 

Carrie: Oiky types without jobs could live in a big sort of factory and make tea towels with the Queen on. You could visit them in one of those jolly hi-vis vests and a helmet. It’s a great PR opportunity.

Romantic dinners

Boris: What could be more romantic than a candlelit dinner, possibly with Dominic Cummings present, a good Winston Churchill documentary, then off to bed for a spot of rumpo?

Carrie: What indeed?