Friday, 6th December 2019

Mum suspects adorable two-year-old son will grow up into total w*nker

A MOTHER is increasingly convinced her cute toddler will grow up to be an insufferable tosspot as he reaches manhood.

Although Nikki Hollis dotes on son Kyle, his frequent tantrums, attention-seeking antics and disputes with his sister have led her to believe she could have an awful tw*t on her hands.

Hollis said: “Don’t get me wrong, Kyle’s our little treasure. Actually Kyle's a bit of a w*nker’s name for a start, isn’t it? But it just seemed to suit him, which isn’t promising.

“As he smashes his toys for the umpteenth time or pours his drink on the floor for no apparent reason I can easily imagine him dicking around annoyingly at school, or bullying much smaller kids.

“That’s what a lot of little boys turn out like. Will Kyle be any different? Almost certainly not. In fact, I think he’s cut out to be a ringleader. A w*nker-in-chief.

“If I think ahead by about 35 years I can clearly see him as an obnoxious, full-of-himself office manager, maybe working in recruitment, who only talks about work, ‘shagging’ and Audis.”

Kyle then reinforced his mum’s suspicions by hitting his unsuspecting sister over the back of the head with a plastic dinosaur and laughing delightedly.