Wednesday, 12th May 2021

'Nailing' and other words arseholes use for 'having sex'

IF you love telling everyone about your sexual exploits you’re probably already a bit of a tosser. But if you use any of the following terms you’re definitely a prize arsehole.

Nailing

“And then I nailed her”. Charming. Most likely said in a loud and boastful voice in a bar or university setting by someone pretending to be confident. The DIY imagery also makes lovemaking sound as sensual and romantic as creosoting a fence.

Boning

Conjures up a neanderthal, almost beast-like image. Also a very crude term, which implies you’re the sort of person who will be following up your shagging tale with jokes about farting and a grim anecdote about a mate shitting themselves after an ‘epic’ drinking session.

Smashing

Just no. Anything that sounds like an act of destruction is completely the wrong language to use to describe sex. Fortunately it’s the sort of aggressive overcompensation that suggests you’re not getting much.

Get laid

“When was the last time you got laid?” is a question asked by boastful studs who are not in the least interested in your answer, except to watch you squirm if it was ages ago, and who will just interrupt anyway to tell you how many times they ‘got laid’ in the last week. Twats.

Giving someone one

As if hearing someone bragging about having sex was not irritating enough, to hear them claiming that they ‘gave her one’, as if they have nobly donated a prized gift to the other person, is beyond reprehensible.

Going all the way with/getting my way with

‘Going all the way’ sounds like finally completing the hardest level of a computer game rather than making love. Meanwhile ‘getting my way with’ sounds more like grinding the other person down till they give in. But in fairness you probably don’t realise this because you’re an arsehole.