'Nailing' and other words arseholes use for 'having sex'

IF you love telling everyone about your sexual exploits you’re probably already a bit of a tosser. But if you use any of the following terms you’re definitely a prize arsehole.

Nailing

“And then I nailed her”. Charming. Most likely said in a loud and boastful voice in a bar or university setting by someone pretending to be confident. The DIY imagery also makes lovemaking sound as sensual and romantic as creosoting a fence.

Boning

Conjures up a neanderthal, almost beast-like image. Also a very crude term, which implies you’re the sort of person who will be following up your shagging tale with jokes about farting and a grim anecdote about a mate shitting themselves after an ‘epic’ drinking session.

Smashing

Just no. Anything that sounds like an act of destruction is completely the wrong language to use to describe sex. Fortunately it’s the sort of aggressive overcompensation that suggests you’re not getting much.

Get laid

“When was the last time you got laid?” is a question asked by boastful studs who are not in the least interested in your answer, except to watch you squirm if it was ages ago, and who will just interrupt anyway to tell you how many times they ‘got laid’ in the last week. Twats.

Giving someone one

As if hearing someone bragging about having sex was not irritating enough, to hear them claiming that they ‘gave her one’, as if they have nobly donated a prized gift to the other person, is beyond reprehensible.

Going all the way with/getting my way with

‘Going all the way’ sounds like finally completing the hardest level of a computer game rather than making love. Meanwhile ‘getting my way with’ sounds more like grinding the other person down till they give in. But in fairness you probably don’t realise this because you’re an arsehole.

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'I should be abroad now' and other complaints nobody gives a f**k about

DO you think people care about your self-indulgent problems at the moment? Here are five common complaints you shouldn’t expect anyone to give a f**k about.

‘I should be abroad now’

How will you cope now you can’t whinge about a delayed flight and an Airbnb that doesn’t live up to your exacting standards? In a year where everyone’s made actual sacrifices, you should just shut up about it forever. People were only pretending to be interested in Lanzarote anyway.

‘I got too much sleep last night’

Even worse if you rub it in with the parents of a toddler who have long since forgotten what uninterrupted sleep feels like. And if you got 10 hours of kip because you were so drunk you slept through your alarm, maybe spare us the predictable details of your hangover too?

‘My clothes don’t fit because I lost so much weight’

Often gasped in fake astonishment while yanking forward the waistline on a baggy pair of trousers. You might get a tiny bit of sympathy if you need to buy new jeans, but don’t count on it because it’s just a convoluted way of saying “Aren’t I slim?”. And possibly “But you are still fat”.

‘I’ve got more money than I know what to do with’

This is a passive-aggressive way of telling people you’re rich and unimaginative. If being flush with cash was so awful you could give some to charity or sponsor an endangered animal to make you look good. You could even just give some money to the person you’re talking to, but you’re not going to do that, are you?

‘My house is too big’

What a terrible burden. In polite society people just say “We need to downsize”. It also suggests you can’t afford your big house anymore, which takes the edge off your humblebragging.