New cafe opens for men trapped in ‘Friend Zone’

TRAGICALLY deluded men will be able to nurture their crush in a new Friend Zone cafe.

The Friend Zone, in north London, will have a jukebox filled with songs by sensitive white boys playing acoustic guitar and comfy sofas where customers can rock back and forth, mouthing the word ‘why?’.

Owner Nikki Hollis said: “Our overheads will be pretty high – so many tissues. But we’ll recoup it with exorbitant wifi fees so they can search Facebook profiles for bikini photos.”

The cafe will be open 24 hours a day to cater for various types of clientele, from the office-based friend-zoner who assumes polite lunchtime chitchat means something, to the 3am customer who wants to moon over a brief drunken kiss from three years ago.

Hollis added: “There’s scope for a branch on every university campus in the UK. I’m sure there will be plenty of willing franchise holders, particularly among women who wear a fake engagement ring just to get a bit of peace.”

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Faking death fails to end gym membership

A MAN’S fight to end his gym membership continues despite an elaborate scheme to fake his own death.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, signed up to his local gym on January 2nd and has been trying to cancel his membership since January 4th.

Logan said: “After a pointless attempt to cancel the direct debit, I set fire to my membership card but the next day another card arrived in the post. I hadn’t even told them.

“Eventually I staged a boating accident. I bought a small sailing dinghy and blew it up just off the coast near Hastings.”

He added: “All my friends and family thought I was dead. It was incredibly traumatic for them, but I thought it would be worth it in the long run.”

Gym manager Wayne Hayes said: “If Tom looks at the contract he’ll find that death would not have ended his membership anyway. We have a wide range of classes for members who are no longer alive.”