New housemate excited to reveal own personal brand of lunacy

A WOMAN who managed to act normal during a 20-minute interview for a room in a shared house cannot wait to reveal how insane she is.

Emma Bradshaw, 28, appeared rational, polite and friendly when she met her new household, even though she was already plotting all the crazed things she would do as soon as she moved in.

Bradshaw said: “I was chucked out of my last flat for being a fucking nightmare, but there was no way this new bunch of housemates could know that.

“It was easy for me to pretend I’m a sweet-natured, tidy and considerate person, whilst secretly eyeing up the kitchen to see which pans would be best for preparing my Wiccan herb remedies.”

She added: “I told them how I love to socialise at the weekends, but am respectful of other people’s need for quiet time. They’ll soon realise I was talking out of my arse when I turn up with my bongos and collection of noisecore music.

“Communal living is wonderful. But only if you’re incredibly selfish and a bit ‘mad’, like me.”

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Woman quietly swaps 'Veganuary' for 8kg of cheddar

A WOMAN who would not shut up about going vegan for a month has gorged herself on cheddar like an animal.

Nikki Hollis signed up to Veganuary after a particularly heavy New Year’s Eve, but found her enthusiasm for healthy eating waned at the same speed as her evil hangover.

Hollis said: “It was fine for the first few days as I was carried on a wave of  smugness about the fact that I was both saving all the lovely little animals and ‘eating clean’, whatever the hell that means.

“But when I went back to work I realised that the only good parts of my day had been drinking a bucket of milky coffee in the morning and eating a massive brie and bacon sandwich at lunch time.

“My colleagues quickly lost interest in the incredible sacrifice I was making and started rolling Maltesers across my desk just to take the piss.”

Hollis added: “In the end I cracked and bought the biggest slab of Cathedral City I could find and devoured the whole thing at once in the Tesco car park. I am happy now.”