No Ban On Teachers Who Watch Grey's Anatomy

TEACHERS who watch the offensive US medical drama Grey's Anatomy will not be banned from the classroom, the government has confirmed.

Despite the concerns of millions of parents, ministers said the teaching profession could not discriminate against the sort of halfwits who think that getting emotionally involved in the endless simperings of a group of third rate actors is a proper use of their time.

Tom Logan, a raging father of two from Grantham, said: "I do not want my children being taught English or chemistry by someone who has managed to convince themselves that Grey's Anatomy is quality television drama.

"We took our youngest out of his last primary school after we discovered his teacher thought Gwyneth Paltrow was an excellent role model."

Joanna Kramer, from York, added: "It's very insidious. Last week my daughter came home with this pathetic look on her face, put Fix You by Coldplay on the stereo and launched into a monologue about how you have to be willing to take a chance even though you might lose it all, but if you take that chance, the pay off might just surprise you.

"I grabbed her by the arm and shouted 'don't you bring that disgusting, offensive rubbish into this house'. It was all very upsetting."

Meanwhile the Association of Nazi Schoolteachers has outlined its plans for the summer term, including field trips to the grave of Sir Oswald Mosely and an increase in synchronised calisthenics and setting fire to synagogues.

Spokesman Reinhard Williams, a geography teacher from Doncaster, said: "I will be introducing my third years to the concept of lebensraum, while my colleagues in the history and maths departments will be focusing on interactive holocaust denial and Aryan calculus."

Six year-old Holly Bishop, whose teacher wears the collar tabs of an SS sturmbannführer, said: "Miss Bormann says we are not allowed to watch Grey's Anatomy as it promotes the coffee coloured melting pot of weak, racially immoral decadence that is 21st Century America."


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Capello Sets World Cup Arrest Target

ENGLAND must finish in the top four sides arrested for lewd and uncontrollable drunkenness during this summer's World Cup, Fabio Capello said yesterday.

The England manager warned that vodka-soaked Eastern Europeans now pose a serious threat while the Germans and the Danes are used to drinking out of huge beer glasses all night and vomiting on each other's feet.

Capello also repeated Pele's famous prediction that during his lifetime, an African team would get absolutely trousered and set fire to a nightclub.

He added: "The high altitude and cheap alcohol give us the best chance in a generation of being deported by the end of the second week.

"And the increased physical fitness of players these days means they can push each other round in shopping trolleys for hours on end until they get arrested."

Tactically England are expected to adopt a standard four-four-two with two rows of four players aggressively downing shots and nutting people with two more up front trying desperately to organise a spit roast.

Capello said: "We have some very experienced obnoxious drunken morons but it's often the younger players who drink without fear and provoke the sort of breathtaking 300-man brawl that can have everyone back on the plane and heading for Gatwick by sunrise."

As well as having the whole squad locked up for drunken violence, the Italian hopes to bring England's flair for freaky, fucked-up sex offences to world's greatest sports contest.

He said: "One player showed me some clips on his iPhone. I haven't been able to look at a jam doughnut since."