Non-driver slams passenger door so hard it destroys car

A NON-DRIVER has slammed the passenger door of their friend’s car so hard that the car has been written off. 

Tom Logan, who does not hold a driver’s licence, thanked friend Joe Turner for giving him a lift home then closed the door with approximately 65 kilonewtons of force, shattering its windows and terminally twisting the frame.

Turner said: “It was like being at the epicentre of an earthquake. I saw the door buckle then felt the waves of force hit, the windscreen exploding, the car rocking back so hard I thought it would flip over.

“As my left eardrum burst I tried to ride the wave, conscious that if I failed to move with the car I could break every bone in my body. I was lucky enough to escape with only minor fractures.

“I sat in the mangled wreckage of what used to be my car, broken pieces of metal hitting the floor, and just managed to hear Tom say ‘Ooh sorry, was that a bit hard?’”

Logan said: “Well I’m sorry if I don’t know the correct way to close a car door. I don’t drive.”

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Cartoon baker sure pie cooling on windowsill will be fine

A CARTOON baker is confident that nothing will happen to the freshly-baked pie he has placed by an open window to cool. 

Speaking from his kitchen, ruddy-cheeked pastry chef Norman Steele confirmed that nothing untoward was likely to happen to the pie even though its scent was drifting past several hungry dogs, cats, and gangs of loveable urchins.

He added: “What could possibly go wrong?

“There’s no reason to believe, for example, that a nearby dog will be so entranced by the scent that he will start levitating and float toward the source.

“Or indeed that hungry children will construct an unlikely remote-grabbing device using gloves and a pair of telescopic arms. That’s simply not realistic.

“No, I stand here, rolling pin in hand, absolutely sure I won’t shortly be running outside brandishing it in my apron, red-faced, as the pie is snatched away from me. You just watch.”