Not enough graduates know about Freudian subtext in Alien 3, say employers

TOO many graduates have insufficient knowledge of the psychosexual elements of the Alien films, industry leaders have warned.

Employers believe not enough students are taking media studies degrees, leaving the UK lagging dangerously behind other nations in vital areas like being able to discuss Madame Web from an anarcho-dadaist perspective.

Norman Steele, deputy chairman of Unilever, said: “Like many British companies, a lot of our business comes directly from media studies.

“Often a customer will ring up, anxious to understand the game Far Cry 6 from a contemporary feminist point of view, just because it’s really interesting.

“Too many students are being lured away from valuable subjects like Star Wars Diversity & Inclusion Studies by more ‘glamorous’ courses such as engineering and industrial Chinese.”

Media studies student Martin Bishop said: “Sure it’s a hard slog, but I know there’ll always be a job for me if I can convincingly apply queer theory to Bluey. Well a job in Starbucks, at least.

“Starbuck is also the name of a character in Battlestar Galactica played by Katee Sackhoff, who was also in The Mandalorian. Bit of media knowledge for you there. You can have that for free.”

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Couple insist underfloor heating won't change them

A COUPLE who have just had underfloor heating installed are claiming they will not let it go to their heads.

James and Elizabeth Bates say they are fundamentally the same people despite now having tubes of warm water underneath their kitchen floor.

Elizabeth said: “I’m still good old Liz. I still have the same interests and principles. It’s just now I have them with warm feet.

“I popped into Lidl this afternoon as usual when I needed a few bits. I still made small talk with the guy on the checkout, even though the gormless expression on his face told me he is probably too poor and uneducated to have underfloor heating.”

James said: “I’m not ‘better’ than people who have to wear slippers, although one does have to question why they don’t have underfloor heating. Do they have a drug problem? Are they illiterate? It’s a bit of a red flag.

“If we’ve done our job as parents, our children won’t even notice the change. Yes, we’ve stopped them playing at friends’ houses if the parents don’t have underfloor heating. But that’s not snobbery, that’s just because we don’t want our kids being dragged down to lowest common heating system.”

Former friend of the couple, Susan Traherne said: “I really like James and Elizabeth, so it was a real shame that I had to sever ties with them five years ago when I got underfloor heating. It’s great that I can reach out again!”