'Nutjob' neighbours with Brexit stockpile now seem wise and useful

A COUPLE stockpiling food and medicine for post-Brexit Britain are looking less like paranoid nutjobs and more like useful people to be friends with.

Martin Bishop initially dismissed his next door neighbours as ‘total crackpots’ when they started filling their garden shed with tins of chickpeas, but now views them as people of immense wisdom and foresight.

Bishop said: “Roy and Mary Hobbs are the type of people who cover up the camera on their laptop so the government can’t spy on them, so when they started stockpiling for Brexit I thought it was just an extension of their oddness.

“Having ignored them solidly for the whole time I’ve lived here I’m going to try and ingratiate myself with them before March 29th.

“I’m sure they’re community minded folk who will want to look after me.”

Mary Hobbs said: “We voted for Brexit and we can’t wait until it’s time to get our guns out. That arrogant remainer twat next door will be the first up against the wall.”

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What sort of shit sandwich do you want? asks May

THERESA May has generously offered Britain a choice between a shit sandwich and a particularly nasty shit sandwich.

As MPs prepare to vote on her Brexit deal, the prime minister explained why everyone should tuck into the metaphorical turd-filled snack she has prepared.

May said: “My Brexit deal is by far the best excrement sandwich, like two slices of Waitrose crusty white bread with a relatively small shit between them, like one a fox has done.

“However a no-deal Brexit more resembles a great steaming Alsatian turd in a mouldy bap. Any sensible person would obviously prefer a mouth full of fox poo.

“Both sandwiches will damage the economy and cause years more pointless, expensive grief, but mine probably means the nation won’t have to get its stomach pumped.”

However Tory MP Donna Sheridan said: “We must respect the will of the people and choose the really horrible shit sandwich. I’ll be having mine with ketchup and curly fries.

“This is all a metaphor, right?”