MEN who surreptitiously leer at attractive women must ‘come out’, it was claimed last night.
Research by the Institute for Studies found that unconcealed ‘open ogling’ is marginally less pitiful than trying to pretend there’s something fascinating in a shop window which just happens to be behind some breasts.
Dr Emma Bradford said: “Ogling is a condition which affects all men above the age of about 33, which is when they start to become pathetic.
“Ogling is inevitable. But don’t try to pretend you ‘thought you saw a heron on that roof’ or had momentarily glazed over while ruminating on Proust. It makes it worse.”
Ogling techniques include:
‘Metro peepover’ – a stare over a free paper commonly practised on public transport.
‘Car blanche’ – when a male driver feels he can get away with a prolonged lascivious gaze because he might be looking for a turning.
‘The Kestrel’ – where after passing a potential oglee on foot the ogler’s head swivels back through 180 degrees.
Roy Hobbs, a 48-year-old ogler, believes his marriage has vastly improved after he agreed to dispense with his flimsy excuses.
He said: “It’s brought us closer together and I can now openly refer to the living room window as ‘the portal to Boobalonia’.
“I’m allowed 20 minutes of dedicated ogle per day, while my wife has sex with the builder.”
He added: “Try not to hate me. As a middle-aged man I am like Frankenstein’s monster, a thing that corrupts all beauty and is doomed by its very nature to be reviled.
“I deserve your pity. And then perhaps a quick shufti at your fun bundles.”