On-the-spot fines for f**kers who don't buy their round

SNEAKY fuckers who do not get their round in face an £80 on-the-spot fine, it has been confirmed. 

A pilot scheme will see undercover agents tightly monitor drinkers to spot those who accept a drink from everybody else but vanish the instant it is their turn.

A spokesman for the British Institute of Innkeepers said: “Round dodgers cost their friends up to £220 a year and cost pubs £450 million in lost business, not to mention the social cost.

“You wouldn’t steal a car, you wouldn’t steal a handbag, but far too many are happy to watch a friend get soaked for a £50 round then run off laughing into the night.

“Our operatives are wise to all their tricks: only offering when everyone’s glass is full, faking phone calls, the early-bird round for a few people. We’ve got your number, you little shits.”

Round-dodging twat Nathan Muir said: “Okay, but I’ll just have to make up the money I lose by never having the right change for the taxi or ‘promising to sort it out later’.

“And cadging fags. Loads and loads of fags.”

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Lone well person in office feeling left out

THE only healthy person on his office floor is considering faking a chesty cough to fit in better.

Adjuster Stephen Malley is the sole person in his department not to have managed to catch even a cold during January, and is finding himself cut out of conversations.

He said: “Everyone’s snotty, everyone’s hawking phlegm, and they communicate in loud hacking coughs that resonate around the office like mating calls.

“They’re all in the kitchen comparing symptoms and boasting about how little sleep they got last night, but the minute I walk in it’s silent apart from the sniffles.

“I’ve tried faking but they’re such connoisseurs they can tell there’s no rattle from six desks away. All I can do is keep drinking from other people’s mugs and hope for the best.”

But account manager Julian Cook said: “A cold? He thinks that’s going to get him into our Beechams Bunch WhatsApp group?

“I’ve now got severe pneumonia, which means I’m pretty much a VIP in the office, and that I may die.”