Optimist buying Asda Valentine's meal deal and condoms

A MAN buying a Valentine’s-themed meal deal in Asda is unlikely to get to use the condoms he’s also purchasing.

Martin Bishop was later spotted adding a tube of scented massage oil to his basket, which prompted further looks of pity and sorrow from men in the same aisle.

Onlooker Tom Logan said: “Poor bloke. He’s trying his best, but he’s obviously a total novice at this game. If I bought my girlfriend a bottle of cheap cava and a soggy beef wellington she’d tell me to stick them where the sun doesn’t shine. 

“And the same goes for her. One year she bought me cologne that smelt like spicy farts and some chocolate body paint. We teetered on the edge of breaking up before making a pact that we would never indulge this mad bullshit ever again.

“I feel like I should say something, but perhaps it’s best to let him learn from his own mistakes. I guess he can’t do anything else now to make his date less likely to want to shag him.”

Bishop said: “I just need to pick up an edible thong and I’m all set.”

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Terrifying countdown to f**k-all continues

WITH only 44 days left until an Article 50 extension is forced by parliament, the EU, Theresa May or all three, the public cannot stop watching the countdown. 

As the prospect of a no-deal Brexit being cancelled at the last minute looms ever closer, Britons have admitted it is impossible to look away. 

Stephen Malley of Reading said: “Yeah, that thing absolutely everyone in Parliament has ruled out apart from Jacob Rees-Mogg and his Regency Swells? Apparently we’re counting down to that not happening. 

“Obviously Theresa May says there won’t be an extension, meaning there will be, and Jeremy Corbyn has said bugger all, meaning he’ll limply go along with whatever might lead to an election. 

“Businesses are reluctant to invest, and yeah if I had several million quid on the line I’d probably hang on, but for us in the public it’s basically a game of chicken between two compulsive swervers. 

“Will it happen at 30 days? Or 15 days? Or five days? The tension is boring me.” 

The government has announced plans to put the countdown in the corner of every TV programme in big red letters, where it will be ignored.