Parents head to park to spend quality time with their smartphone

PARENTS are taking the kids to the park this summer in the hope they get some uninterrupted time on their phones.

Mums and dads plan to dick around on Facebook in the sunshine until their battery dies or someone wants pushing on the fucking swing again.

Mum of three, Emma Bradford said: “I should have at least ten minutes before someone needs a wee, falls over or asks me to come and watch them do something very dull.

“I mean seriously, have you seen ‘how high’ a four-year-old can go on a swing? Well, I have about 600 times and take it from me, it’s very boring and not actually ‘high’ at all.

“Sorry kid, but I’d rather look at 328 photos of that twat from work in the Maldives or do a quiz about which 80s pop song describes my sex life.

“I just hope there’s no one there otherwise I’ll have to put my phone away and pretend I actually enjoy watching the kids ‘go backwards up the slide’ like they invented that shit.

“So I better crack on. I’ve told the kids they only have 72 per cent until home time.”

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Dominic Raab stockpiling food for himself

DOMINIC Raab has confirmed that he is stockpiling food and nobody else is having any of it. 

The MP confirmed he has already amassed over 40 cans of food and 24 litres of water in case he fails to reach a deal with the EU.

He said: “Stockpiling food for Britain? Unacceptable, makes us look weak. Stockpiling it for myself? True Conservatism.

“I’ve got those M&S cans of lamb korma that cost like £4.50. We’ll save them for Saturday nights, after Brexit, watching the riots while insisting the last thing voters want is another election. 

“I’m also stockpiling crisps, champagne, some decent reds, flour and yeast and stuff because we might finally use that bloody breadmaker, peanuts for energy and jelly babies. I can’t be without jelly babies.” 

He added: “Don’t worry. It’s only for the short-term. We’ll be seeing marvellous benefits from Brexit in a minimum of 50 years.”