Headphones means f**k off 

IF SOMEONE in the office is wearing headphones it means they want everyone to fuck off, it has been claimed.

Professor Henry Brubaker of The Institute for Studies said: “What you’ll notice when you try to interact with an office headphone wearer is a deep intake of breath before they remove them.

“That’s not them fully appreciating a Vivaldi Concerto, it’s them doing everything in their power not to tell you to fuck the fuck off.”

Office worker Tom Logan said: “I’m wearing headphones because Wayne is talking about his Tough Mudder for the 100th time or Nikki is endlessly moaning about her husband going down the pub. I don’t even have any music on, they’re just an anti-human shield.

“It’s my only respite from this open plan office where every time I look up I have to stare straight into Wayne’s annoying little face.”

He added: “Would a Post-It note stuck to my forehead saying ‘fuck off’ make it clearer?”

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Man who just wants more people to read books furious about the books they’re reading

A MAN who thinks people should read more is absolutely horrified with everyone’s choice of reading. 

English teacher Martin Bishop, who reads the kind of fancy novels nominated for the Booker Prize, walked around the pool at his Sicilian hotel in open-mouthed horror at the books of fellow guests.

He said: “The Da Vinci Code? In 2018? Tell me that’s ironic.

“And James Patterson, and Jodi Picoult, and Sophie Kinsella, and I had not thought Martina Cole had done so many. I can’t believe in reading for this.

“Does nobody here even scan the summer books in the TLS? Or did they just grab any pastel-coloured oblong from the WH Smith at the airport and promise themselves they’d read the full title when they had time?

“Dear God, I’ve just heard that girl say that she’s re-reading Harry Potter. Re-reading. Harry Potter. Erasing her brain line-by-line.”

Bishop, who chose acclaimed novel Lincoln in the Bardo as his holiday reading, did not complete it as he mainly used it as a shield from behind which he could safely stare at tits.