IF SOMEONE in the office is wearing headphones it means they want everyone to fuck off, it has been claimed.
Professor Henry Brubaker of The Institute for Studies said: “What you’ll notice when you try to interact with an office headphone wearer is a deep intake of breath before they remove them.
“That’s not them fully appreciating a Vivaldi Concerto, it’s them doing everything in their power not to tell you to fuck the fuck off.”
Office worker Tom Logan said: “I’m wearing headphones because Wayne is talking about his Tough Mudder for the 100th time or Nikki is endlessly moaning about her husband going down the pub. I don’t even have any music on, they’re just an anti-human shield.
“It’s my only respite from this open plan office where every time I look up I have to stare straight into Wayne’s annoying little face.”
He added: “Would a Post-It note stuck to my forehead saying ‘fuck off’ make it clearer?”