MEN who own pitbulls could be sterilised by their own pets, according to new research.
Experts say pitbull-owner breeding has spiralled out of control and have called for an emergency castration programme involving lots of meat paste and massive teeth.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “What you do is pin them to a table, slather their scrotum in cheap patÃ© and let the dog go about its fascinating, primal business.
“I don’t know if it’s the most efficient method of large-scale castration, but I do think it will be fantastic to watch.”
He added: “After a couple of fairly intense minutes you will have a calm, happy dog, an absolutely delighted audience and a nicely castrated human who can no longer make copies of himself.”
Dr Tom Logan, a sociologist at Reading University, said: “I’m not sure I would go down the testicle savaging route necessarily, but it is true that at least half the population has to be sterilised. Immediately.
“I personally believe the best way to do it is to have me, and maybe my friend Ian, walking down the street with a hunting rifle and a big bag full of sterilising darts.
“Inevitably some people will say that it sounds a tiny bit Nazi, but if Hitler had limited himself to sterilising Jews with pitbulls, it would still have been horribly racist but, beyond that, I’m not sure anyone would have made much of a fuss.
“And don’t start getting all Guardian read. ‘Oh, it’s about social conditioning and inequality of opportunity’. Fuck off.”
He added: “Look me in the eye and tell me you that you genuinely disagree with me. Knew it.”
Meanwhile, it emerged last night that Battersea Dogs home is being urged to take in thousands of stray people who use up two parking spaces at a supermarket and deal with them inhumanely.