Plymouth ‘most expendable part of UK’

IT would not be a big deal if Plymouth was destroyed in a nuclear explosion, according to the government.

Ministers decided to relocate Trident to Plymouth if Scotland goes independent, because of the chance that something might go horribly wrong with the missiles’ ‘auto-destruct’ mechanism.

A government spokesperson said: “We agreed that anything nuclear you want as far away from the important areas of the UK – London and the nice bits where politicians live – as possible.

“That’s why Sellafield’s in the North West, so that if it goes pear-shaped all we’ve really lost is a few sheep and Carlisle.

“So for Trident it was a toss-up between Plymouth and Stoke. Which was most expendable?

“We went with Plymouth because at least anyone who’s on fire can run into the sea which gives them a fighting chance.”

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Men warned over loom penis bands trend

THE trend for men wearing woven elastic bands around the penis is affecting male health, experts have warned.

Loom penis rings is a craft craze among men aged 18-54 where a loop of eye-catching elastic bands is worn around the base of the reproductive organ.

41-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “All the guys at work are into loom cock bands because they look so pretty and awesome. It’s an expression of individuality and you can swap them with friends.

“But after wearing one for a solid week I noticed that my penis felt numb and had a purplish hue.

“Doctors wanted to cut off my loom band but I wouldn’t let them because it took me six hours to make.

“Ultimately my member went bad and fell off in the bath.”

Doctor Mary Fisher said: “Men love to join in childish crazes, like cycling. But remember that no amount of adornment can make the penis look anything other than disgusting.”