Police Blunder Reveals Secret Plan To Beat You Senseless

ONE of Britain's most senior police officers has resigned after accidentally revealing a secret plan to beat the hell out of you.

Bob Quick arriving in Downing Street yesterday

Assistant commissioner Bob Quick was forced to quit his job as head of counter-terrorism after wearing a sandwich board which outlined plans to attack you from behind and set about you with a nightstick for no particular reason.

The operation to hurt you very badly indeed has now been brought forward after Mr Quick was photographed with the plans as he arrived in Downing Street for a high-level briefing.

Amid frantic behind the scenes activity last night, the government issued an 'F-Notice', designed to alert the media that a senior security official has been identified as a 'fucknut'.

Home Office sources said the plan to beat seven shades of shit out of you is a downgraded version of an original plan to just shoot you in the face.

A senior official said: "We have to remember what our key objective is – using the broad palette of police brutality to keep you in a constant state of fear.

"Shooting someone in the face does look a tad pre-meditated. With random, indiscriminate assaults it's much easier to claim that an individual officer just got a bit 'carried away'."

Dr Tom Logan, a security analyst, said: "A society can survive when its police force is either violent or stupid, but you really can't do both at the same time."