Police Blunder Reveals Secret Plan To Beat You Senseless

ONE of Britain's most senior police officers has resigned after accidentally revealing a secret plan to beat the hell out of you.

Assistant commissioner Bob Quick was forced to quit his job as head of counter-terrorism after wearing a sandwich board which outlined plans to attack you from behind and set about you with a nightstick for no particular reason.

The operation to hurt you very badly indeed has now been brought forward after Mr Quick was photographed with the plans as he arrived in Downing Street for a high-level briefing.

Amid frantic behind the scenes activity last night, the government issued an 'F-Notice', designed to alert the media that a senior security official has been identified as a 'fucknut'.

Home Office sources said the plan to beat seven shades of shit out of you is a downgraded version of an original plan to just shoot you in the face.

A senior official said: "We have to remember what our key objective is – using the broad palette of police brutality to keep you in a constant state of fear.

"Shooting someone in the face does look a tad pre-meditated. With random, indiscriminate assaults it's much easier to claim that an individual officer just got a bit 'carried away'."

Dr Tom Logan, a security analyst, said: "A society can survive when its police force is either violent or stupid, but you really can't do both at the same time."

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Lah-Di-Dah Public Schoolboys Not So Fancy All Of A Sudden

LAH-DI-DAH ponces who talk all proper are about to find out what life is like in the real world now their fancy school has shut down, it was claimed last night.

As recession-hit fee-paying schools across the country close their doors, thousands of intelligent, sensitive boarders are about to come face to face with large, pasty-faced boys with glottal stops and attention deficit disorder.

Thugs in England and Wales are now cracking their knuckles in anticipation as debate rages over whether to strip Little Lord Fauntleroy and his chums from the waist up or the waist down, and exactly which obscenities to scrawl on their foreheads with an indelible marker pen.

Wayne Hayes, a 15 year-old bastard from Peterborough, said: "I hear they all wear top hats and carry teapots. If nothing else it at least gives me a choice of which one to shit in."

Roy Hobbs, a 17 year-old borderline psychopath from Swindon, added: "I'm going to ask one of them if they know the Queen and if they say yes I'll say 'Queen this!' and punch them in the kidneys. It's part of my A-level project."

But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The plight of fee-paying schools may provoke a degree of schadenfreude but let's not forget that it also means more children being educated by local authorities.

"While some may say this is a good thing, others – such as those with a decent education – may suggest that it's a complete and total fucking catastrophe."

He added: "In 30 years time we could be living in a society where nobody knows what schadenfreude means."