Pretty girl in summer dress is most depressing sight imaginable

AN attractive young woman in a pretty summer dress is putting men and woman alike in a terrible mood.

The unidentified pretty girl was described by onlookers as having an utterly carefree manner. She exuded youth, beauty and an innocent sensuality.

36-year-old Tom Logan said: “She was like a lovely living statue or some nymph from Welsh mythology, a beautiful mystical thing.

“However I am tired, old and miserable. She would rather die than glance at me.

“I hate myself and my tired lust.”

Office worker Emma Bradford said: “I love her dress but I would definitely look a bit fat in it.

“By comparison I am a massive, sweaty sow. To hell with everything, I’m going to buy the biggest possible bag of Haribo and consume it in the toilet at work.”

Father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “I love my family but part of me now wants to abandon them. Summer is such a downer.”

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Electricity mis-sold as pets

POWER giant E.On has been fined £12m for mis-selling energy as pet cats, dogs and fish.

Representatives for E.On used pressure selling techniques to convince vulnerable customers that 400 cubic feet of natural gas would be lovely to talk to and wouldn’t answer back like your grandchildren.

Retired greengrocer Norman Steele was sold 220,000 coulombs of electricity in the belief that it was a charming King Charles spaniel called Hector.

He said: “I’d stroke him while we watched Countdown, give him little treats which he’d char to ash and tell him he was a good boy when he arced between conductive materials in the park.

“Yes, occasionally he’d give me a nip and attack other dogs by making them convulse until their eyes popped out, but he was very dear to me and I’m disgusted that I was tricked.”

A spokesman for E.On said: “Energy is fundamental to the workings of the universe, impossible to create or destroy, so who’s to say it doesn’t make a loyal companion on cold winter nights?

“Why go through the pain of losing a pet when uranium has a half-life of billions of years and never has to make that heartbreaking journey to the vets to be put down?

“Also it’s ideal for kids to play with.”