Privacy experts too paranoid even for lunch

The UK’s top authorities on privacy law have refused to confirm their availability for a lunch meeting next Friday.

Attempts to book an upstairs room at a London gastropub have foundered because none of the experts are willing to give a name, a credit card, or to say if they want a starter.

Organiser Susan Traherne said: “I put it on Google Calendars and wow, did that stir up trouble.

“And you wouldn’t believe the lecture I got when I asked who was on Facebook.

“Apparently whether they’d prefer to eat Asian fusion or classic French is important metadata which the government could use to predict their movements.

“While I completely agree that privacy is not merely a right but a fundamental aspect of freedom of expression, these get-togethers are becoming an utter ballache.”

The last attempt to discuss privacy in the social media age was postponed after members were unwilling to acknowledge that they were sitting in the same branch of Nando’s.

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Wenger lifts calcium ban

ARSENE Wenger has reluctantly re-introduced calcium to his team’s diet after Olivier Giroud broke a tibia.

Wenger banned calcium in 2006, forbidding Arsenal players from eating dairy products, broccoli, nuts or sardines in the belief that brittle bones make for lighter, faster players.

However, following the Giroud injury and an outbreak of rickets in the youth team, the manager is reconsidering the diet of chips, pizza, and blue pop introduced because kids eat all that and they move like greased lightning.

Club nutritionist Norman Steele said: “We’re still trying to convince him that black, bleeding gums aren’t a sign of brushing teeth too enthusiastically but of scurvy.

“And while hair loss is normal in men, I’m sure Jack Wilshere’s shouldn’t be falling out in handfuls at the age of 22.

“Even if it does give him gravitas.”