Hello Kitty ‘the nightmarish result of an immoral genetic experiment’

HELLO Kitty is a vengeful cat-human hybrid that feeds on livers, it has been confirmed.

Following confusion about whether the character was a cat or a weird-looking schoolkid, creators Sanrio explained Hello Kitty’s back story.

“Hello Kitty was the result of fusing human, cat and rhesus monkey DNA in an illegal Tokyo lab during the unregulated early days of genetic research.

“Kitty’s creators did callous experiments on the physically powerful catlike chimera, so that Hello Kitty became violently psychotic.

“Eventually she picked the lock of her cage door with a sharp talon, killed all the scientists and ate their sweetmeats.

“Now she prowls the shadows by night, picking off unwary travellers while also wearing lots of cute accessories.”

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The Shard turned into a charity shop

LONDON’S tallest building has become Europe’s biggest branch of Cancer Research.

The Shard’s owners greenlit the move after struggling to find paying tenants for the 87-storey skyscraper.

Volunteer manager Helen Archer said: “There are separate floors for men’s clothes, women’s clothes, children’s clothes and clothes which someone almost certainly died in.

“Do you like music? Then you’ll love our immense collection of CD singles from 90s acts like B*Witched, OMC and Another Level.

“And bookworms should check out our 33rd floor, which houses two million copies of the Fifty Shades trilogy in varying condition.

“Whether you want boardgames with missing pieces, jigsaws with missing pieces, pressure cookers or pottery shire horses, there’s something in the Shard for everyone.”

Commuters at London Bridge have complained that the 28,000 old ladies who run the shop are bringing the area to a standstill because they can’t remember which pocket they put their Travelcards in.