PTA mum starts bossing herself around

WITH no one else to organise or pressure into taking part in tedious fundraising events, a PTA mum has started bossing herself around.

Carolyn Ryan said: “I have a long list of tasks and events I invite myself to sign up for. I ask for my own help in slightly threatening tones, saying that otherwise the Zoom quiz night will be ruined.

“I asked myself if I wanted to buy raffle tickets for something called Jolly January. My tone made clear that if I didn’t, I would see myself as a cheapskate who didn’t care about the school community or, indeed, my own children’s futures.

“Finally, I forced myself to volunteer to assemble a ‘balloons ‘n’ bubbles hamper’ as a raffle prize and resentfully wrap it in yards of cellophane. After all, as I told myself in the WhatsApp group, these things don’t just happen by magic.

“I didn’t reply straight away, so I was forced to bitch about myself behind my own back. Ultimately, I really want to tell myself to f**k right off, which means I am doing it right.”

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Shelf of Lonely Planet books laughing at you

A MAN is wondering whether to throw his Lonely Planet guides away rather than allow them to mock him from the bookshelf.

Now that the entire world is barred to him indefinitely, Tom Logan feels that the books emblazoned with exotic words such as ‘Spain’ and ‘France’ are laughing at him.

Logan said: “Now when I look at them the letters in the titles seem to reform and spell out ‘Brexit’, ‘pandemic’ and ‘two small children under three, you stupid f**kwit’.

“My wife says I should throw them away, pointing out that one guide is so old that it features francs rather than euros. She also helpfully mentioned that I’m currently furloughed and the tourism industry is on the brink of collapse.

“But I remain a traveller at heart, and you never know, Lonely Planet might launch a title called Local Corner Shop, with a big section on nearby dangers, like masked locals and the possibility of virulent disease.

“Either way, I’m keeping them. Self-delusion is the only way I’ll get through this.”