Pub unbearability levels to peak at 5.30pm

ENGLISH pubs will become the worst places in the world later today, it has been claimed.

According to Institute for Studies data, the fact that England cannot manoeuvre a football will fully re-establish itself in the brain stems of the assembled beer processing units after 30 minutes of play. At this point the average pub will become slightly less pleasant than a piss bomb exploding in a skip full of rusty forks.

Landlord Wayne Hayes said: “There must be some pleasanter way of bringing in punters than by screening football. Perhaps some sort of stage show involving my wife pleasuring terriers.

“The drunken jeering, the misplaced sense of entitlement and the pervading fug of prejudice is like being in the House of Lords with a fruit machine in the corner.”

Meanwhile, most England fans have said that in the extremely unlikely event they win Euro 2012, it will not compensate for having watched hours of Adrian Chiles’s face.

The scrotum-alike has already had to present matches from inside a perspex case to foil Roy Keane’s repeated attempts to beat him to death with his own ribs. Now many viewers have started exploring alternative Chiles-free pursuits.

Football fan Roy Hobbs said: “Rather than hearing a ballbag witter on in what appears to be the beer garden of a fun pub, I’ve started listening to opera. It’s actually quite, quite beautiful.

“And have you ever actually watched the sun set? I mean really watched it?

“A fiery disk plunging into a shimmering horizon and painting the evening sky a palette of rich titian and crimson makes you realise there’s more to life than Adrian Chiles making puns about foreigners.”



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Adrian Mole 'goes on murder spree'

THE latest Adrian Mole book sees the main character exacting bloody revenge on the world for his years of comic misfortune, it has emerged.

In Adrian Mole: Payback Time, which is published this week, Adrian – now an embittered 45¾ year-old loner and still obsessed with the size of his ‘thing’ – hunts down everyone who has ever crossed him.

Author Sue Townsend said: “Frankly it was time Adrian got his own back on Sharon Bott for humiliating him at the roller disco.

“She totally deserves it when Adrian douses her in petrol then burns her to death in a disused factory.”

The novel also resolves the doomed romance between Adrian and Pandora Braithwaite when Adrian directs detectives to a box containing her severed head.

Townsend said: “Every man has his breaking point, so it’s only natural that Adrian should want revenge on the school bully Barry Kent, who gets fed into a wood chipper, or the bad-tempered head teacher Mr Scruton, whose corpse Adrian defiles in the most vile fashion imaginable.”

Sunday Times book critic Eleanor Shaw said: “The original novel was a warm and witty portrayal of adolescence, and also a sharp satire on the zeitgeist of the 1980s.

“However this one pisses on it, especially the bit where Adrian tracks down Brainbox Henderson, who briefly went out with Pandora in the first book, and stuffs a calculator up his arse until he ruptures.”