Pumpkin worried by sudden unpopularity

A PUMPKIN is wondering why he has been left in the back garden when just 24 hours ago he was really popular.

Halloween pumpkin Tom Logan is rapidly losing hope that being left outside near a wheelie bin is a temporary oversight and he will be taken back indoors.

Logan said: “On Halloween everyone kept saying how great I was and there was this wonderful happy atmosphere. I felt like I’d finally got to where I wanted to be in life.

“Then suddenly they put me outside in the freezing cold. At first I thought it was a practical joke that had gone on a bit too long, but no one’s come to replace my candle or anything.

“I don’t understand. Did I do something to offend them? Or are they just really false, shallow people who pretend they’re your friends then leave you to go squishy in the rain?”

Logan’s popularity led him to assume he would become a permanent part of the Johnson family who carved him, and he had been looking forward to getting his own room and going on family holidays.

He added: “Frankly the whole experience has left a bad taste in my zig-zag mouth. The Johnsons make out they’re this kind, loving family but really they just use you and throw you away.

“Still, I don’t need them. A group of starlings keeps looking at me so I’ll probably become friends with them instead. Real friends who won’t fuck you over.”

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Driver with lights on full beam just concerned for your safety

A MAN who drives everywhere with his headlights on full beam believes he is making the road safe for everyone.

Bill McKay, from Hatfield, said that until Britain was ‘comprehensively illuminated’, he felt obliged to drive around projecting as much light onto the road as possible.

McKay, who drives a Volvo V50, added: “I know everyone is grateful. People are constantly flashing their lights and honking their horns in appreciation.

“One man even threw an apple at my car and shouted something that seemed passionately supportive. I do this for others, so it is nice to be appreciated.

“I’m not a hero, though some sort of community safety award would be a lovely gesture.”