A PROVINCIAL businessman acting school is grooming the next generation of training video and local cinema advert stars.
The Jeff Brown School Of Performing Arts offers guidance on everything from walking stiffly toward the camera while staring directly down the lens to wearing incredible wigs that look almost sentient.
Carlisle garden centre owner Wayne Hayes said: “I wanted to work on pretending to look at a laptop while accepting an empty cup of tea from my ‘PA’ who is actually my daughter.
“The tutors asked me to consider my motivation, which in this case was wanting a cup of tea.
“Once I’m really proficient my graduation piece will be waving a wad of notes whilst pointing at some compost and holding the pose for an awkward three seconds before the ad ends.”
Research shows that customers assume anyone in a small budget ad that doesn’t look like they’re appearing in a ransom video must be a professional actor.
Roy Hobbs, head of a firm of Croydon barristers, said: “For twenty years I’ve used my easy charm and good looks to host Rotary Club fundraisers and conduct a string of affairs with interns.”
“But thanks to the Jeff Brown school whenever a camera is pointed at me now, I look like I’ve been caught with my penis in the family pet.”