Report Proposes Royal College Of Mouthy, Teenage Skanks

MOUTHY teenage skanks who think they are better than you should be awarded full professional recognition, according to a major new report.

Former health secretary Alan Milburn said children from poor, skanky backgrounds are failing to break into high-status professions, mainly because they are so lazy and stupid.

And in a ground-breaking study he claims the only reason children from affluent backgrounds are able to become lawyers and doctors is because they have passed all the necessary exams.

In a bid to increase social mobility he is calling for university status to be awarded to bingo halls and wants well-mannered children from homes with ensuite shower-rooms to be as badly educated as cheeky, aggressive children from homes with large second-hand television sets.

He said: "We must also raise their ambitions in a way they can relate to. As most poor people spend an awful lot of time watching television, perhaps we need more programmes about doctors and lawyers."

He added: "Poor people would make excellent judges. By watching the Jeremy Kyle show everyday many of them have developed an acute sense of right and wrong.

"Is there anyone better qualified to preside over a dispute between two big fat sisters with dark green tatooes who have both been impregnated twice by the same retard?"

But Bill McKay, a lawyer from Darlington, said: "I know quite a few working class professionals, but not once have I met a plasterer and thought, 'given the right opportunities this man could have been professor of 19th century French literature at Cambridge'."

Meanwhile Tom Logan, a binman from Stevenage, said: "I work 35 hours a week, I have a good pension and I go on holiday twice a year. And I'll bet you my perfectly good car that I'm happier than most of the Guardian-reading cocksuckers who think I need their help."

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Chelsea Report City For Acting Like Chelsea

CHELSEA have reported Manchester City to the FA for behaving exactly the same way they have behaved for years.

The Stamford Bridge club is furious with City for its tapping-up of John Terry and flagrantly offering them £40m for a player who obviously isn't worth it.

Coach Ian Ancellotti said: "It's incredibly unprofessional to unsettle a player in this manner. Ashley Cole remembers how much it disturbed him before he signed for us.

"After weeks of José Mourinho telling him £65,000 was a pittance for ambling up and down the wing and then looking upset whenever he lost the ball, he snapped and asked for a transfer from Arsenal."

Mark Hughes denied tapping-up John Terry, telling journalists: "We'll double whatever wages your rag is paying you to write something nice about us, like how Robinho and Wright-Phillips resemble two little toddlers playing at being footballers, bless them."

Hughes defended the club's reputation of buying success by unveiling its new youth academy, bought from West Ham for £127m and transported up the M6 in a convoy of horse boxes.

Meanwhile City has also unveiled plans to buy its fans a repertoire of songs and chants from Newcastle, Middlesbrough and Charlton, as well as that funny one about 'Arsene Wanker' from Spurs.

But Ancelotti is adamant City’s behaviour is damaging football, adding: "An under-achieving team funded by a shady foreign billionaire, pricing others out of the transfer market and wearing a blue strip is.. err.. yeah… right… I'll probably just stop there."