Rich List converging with Sleazy List

THE 2011 Sunday Times Rich List is almost identical to the 2011 Sleazy List, it emerged last night.

The striking correlation between the two lists has triggered calls for them to be merged in subsequent years.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, which compiles the Sleazy List, said: “Our chart was launched as a means of cataloguing the most reptilian, creepy, spaghetti-fingered men alive as a general warning not to let your relatives accept sweets or bars of gold bullion from them.

“The essence of sleaziness is hard to define, but Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct during the scene where he goes to a rave wearing a tight v-neck jumper and loiters in the women’s toilets is not a million miles off target.”

Currently 914 of the world’s 1,000 richest people also appear on the Sleazy List.

Professor Brubaker said: “This level of crossover may be explained by the fact that innately sleazy men – and it is always men – are generally shunned by the rest of society.

“Their determination to amass vast fortunes by whatever means necessary comes from the desire to own massive, incalculably depressing, floating nightclubs to which they can invite very tall prostitutes, and possibly Jean-Claude Van Damme, and thus feel temporarily well-liked.”

The publication of the Rich List has also prompted the usual pointless mixture of shock and horror that the rich are miraculously getting even richer.

Economist Emma Bradford said: “Jesus Christ. You might as well rail against the ageing process.

“Perhaps if the complainers spent less time posting wry Mark Thomas quotes on the Guardian website and more figuring out how to get people to do hot, dangerous jobs for almost no money, they might have gold yachts too.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

United flail closer to not-losing title

MANCHESTER United can nearly claim to be the least incompetent team of the year.

In a campaign that has seen massive errors ranging from Blackpool’s decision to treat defending as the equivalent of bribing a referee to Liverpool’s decision to start the season three weeks ago, United have consistently managed to avoid being eye-wateringly useless more often than anybody else.

Manager Sir Alex Ferguson said: “There’s still the possibility I could decide to sell all our players to a dog food factory but I don’t even think picking Owen for the last two games will be enough to completely Benitez this one down the cludgie.

“It’s been a long slog of getting beat by a Wolves side that look like a skip full of limbs and dragging Rooney away from challenging rows rows D to M to a bottle fight every five minutes.

“But the lads have been tremendous all season, in a brand new definition of that word I’ve just come up with that’s basically synonymous with the liquid you find in the bottom of your wheelie bin.”

If they continue their less-awful streak until the end of the season, United will be presented with the FA’s first Default Premiership Cup, a one-fifth size replica of the proper trophy made from cardboard covered in tinfoil.

The record books will also reflect the mediocrity of their achievement by listing them as having won 18.3 titles, using the same scale that calculates SPL titles as being equivalent to .15 real league titles.

Meanwhile, Avram Grant has reaffirmed his conviction that if West Ham continue to play so badly they will somehow slingshot around the sun and wind up topping the league.