Savile's relationship with police 'only looked horribly corrupt'

JIMMY Savile’s relationship with West Yorkshire Police could have seemed corrupt to the untrained eye, according to an official report.

In what may appear to the uninitiated to be an utterly superficial investigation, the force stressed that while it had done absolutely nothing wrong, it may not seem that way to those unschooled in the ancient ways.

The report states: “When officers attended regular coffee mornings at Mr Savile’s home, it was not a social occasion, it was what we highly trained crime experts call a ‘honey trap’.

“We only ever sent the youngest, most attractive officers to the coffee mornings in a bid to lure Mr Savile into committing a sexual offence.

“When our officers left unmolested we quite reasonably concluded that Mr Savile was a nice man.”

Roy Hobbs, a detective inspector who was just 51 when he attended his first Savile coffee morning, said: “I always wore tight fitting jeans and a shirt that accentuated my breasts. I leaned over him provocatively whenever I reached for a Hobnob.

“At no time did he seem even remotely interested in me sexually.”

The report added: “We had to keep our undercover operation a secret for professional reasons that can only be disclosed to someone who has a PhD from Police University.

“We would love to explain this to ordinary members of the public, but it would be like trying to explain snooker to a cat.”

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Prince Charles injured by heavy irony

PRINCE Charles is recovering in hospital after a big lump of science-related irony hit him on the head.

The beneficiary of the queen’s death was criticising climate change scepticism when he was struck on the forehead by a large, possibly homeopathic, chunk of irony.

Onlooker Wayne Hayes said: “I wasn’t really listening to what he was saying, when suddenly I heard glass shattering as this hefty object that I recognised from school textbooks as a piece of irony smashed through a window.

“The next thing I know Charles is on the ground asking for some tincture of milk thistle.”

Accident investigators say that by arguing the merits of science while simultaneously promoting absolute bollocks, Charles placed a critical strain on the supports of logic that hold the universe together.

Health and safety consultant Nikki Hollis said: “Science is pretty sturdy and can generally cope with a person warning about CO2 emissions whilst being chauffeured around in a big fuck-off Bentley.

“But if you start using a doctor analogy like Charles did, when you’re convinced a £20 bottle of ghosts is the best treatment for serious illness, something’s bound to give.”