School Bans Ugly Children

A VILLAGE primary school has saved Valentine's Day by giving its ugliest pupils the day off.

St Brian's Church of England School, near Grantham, was faced with having to ban children from exchanging cards in case the mutant offspring of local poor people took offence and set fire to the building.

Headmistress Mary Fisher said: "I'd say about half of our children are too ugly to get a Valentine's Card.

"In fact four of them are so ugly they don't even get Christmas presents, while one of them is kept in a dog crate and taken round local villages at harvest time. People pay 20p to feed it a parsnip.

"Anyway, that leaves 62 children that we have deemed attractive enough not to be disappointed, though we have asked three of the girls to do something a bit different with their hair."

She added: "I didn't want to be one of those moron headteachers who bans Valentine's Day and ends up being branded as 'Britain's most dangerous lesbian' by the Daily Mail.

"But at the same time I did not want to be standing in the middle of a smouldering ruin surrounded by angry mutants.

"At least this way my good looking pupils get some quality time together and the freaks get a long weekend of chasing chickens around the farmyard and rubbing shit into their hair."

Mrs Fisher stressed she did not want to stigmatise the malformed children, insisting they had no control over which itinerant farm labourer their mother gave it up to in a pub toilet.

She said: "They can be absolutely lovely as long as you don't let them see how disturbed you are by their wonky features.

"Yes, it is a shame but I've learned to cope with it."


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Traditional Burglary A Dying Art, Say Thieves

THE heart-warming sight of an old-fashioned burglar smashing a toilet window could soon be swept away by a rising tide of joyless online fraud, according to some of Britain's leading thieves.

As electronic goods become increasingly affordable and pawnbrokers more stringent in their ID checks, many burglars have been forced to try impersonal, 'office-based' scams such as bank security emails and fake Nigerian slush funds simply to keep a stolen roof over their heads.

Under the City of London guild system, apprentice burglars spent five years with a ring leader, who taught them key skills such as agility, shotgun adaptation and coshing.

Master thief Roy Hobbs said: "People used to look forward to having their door kicked in by a stripy-jumpered rascal who would cheerily turn their house upside down in a diligent search for irreplaceable family treasures.

"And if you caught him on the job he might lock you in a wardrobe or give you a playful bonk on the head. But he'd always do it in a cheeky way, like Mr Punch or one of the Great Train Robbers."

He added: "For the householder it provided an exciting break from their everyday routine and because most of them would eventually get over the head trauma, it was, essentially, a victimless crime."

Martin Bishop, from Doncaster, said: "Last New Year's Eve we were visited by a burglar who stole my all kids' Christmas presents, my passport and even managed to have a sneaky wank into my wife's knicker drawer.

"We told the kids that Santa had turned into a prick. They absolutely loved it."