School may as well start at 17 for all the difference it would make, say experts

THE official school starting age should be raised from five to 17 because we may as well, experts have claimed.

Educationalists stressed the average levels of literacy and numeracy being achieved by the school leaving age made the school starting age utterly irrelevant.

Professor Helen Archer said: “What’s more important is the age at which they start watching television, which I believe should be about 10 minutes after they are born.

“Television will be the source of everything they care or talk about and teaching them things that are not somehow to do with television is a waste of everyone’s time.

“Those who want to learn to read, write and add-up can do so in their late teens, like some sort of Duke of Edinburgh award.”


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It's like Charles Manson for Generation Y times a million percent

Dear Holly,
I accidentally saw the news headlines for the first time ever the other day and was horrified to discover that there’s bad shit going on in the world. As a major celebrity, I can’t help but think I could be doing something more to help, like giving free copies of my latest album, ‘Angels and Demons’ to the Syrian people or something. What do you suggest?
Peter Andre
East Grinstead

Dear Peter,
Don’t worry, Harry Styles has it all under control. Just one flutter of his pretty little eyelashes and an angry, baying army of pre-pubescent girls is willing to wreak pain and suffering on anyone who gets in the way. It’s like Charles Manson for Generation Y times a million percent. Up until now, us Directioners have focused mostly on soft targets like Taylor Swift and Cara Delevigne, but there’s no reason why this powerful force can’t be more strategically deployed as a kind of terrifying hormonal fighting machine to back up boots on the ground in any of the problem regions of the world. Bashir al-Assad and Kim Jong-un will wish they’d never been born when we’re getting all up in their dictatorial faces on Twitter.
Hope that helps!