School places shortage solved with uninhabited island

CHILDREN without a primary school place are being sent to live on an island without adult supervision.

Education secretary Michael Gove said text messages from the uncharted island showed arrivals were enjoying robust outdoor activities free from stifling health-and-safety regulations.

Gove said: “The children have already organised themselves into two groups, the Weak Little Piggies and the Skullface Comanche Hunters, probably in order to play traditional competitive sports.

“A coastguard pilot reported seeing cage-like structures on the beach, which are probably half-finished huts. He also saw a large game of cowboys and Indians going on, with children chasing each other across the island with homemade weapons.

“This is real Swallows and Amazons stuff. Last night they built an enormous bonfire and the screams of excitement could be heard on the mainland.”

Parent Donna Sheridan said: “I was mortified when our daughter Lucy couldn’t get into the local primary school, so thank God a place on the deserted island came up.

“We were worried she might not fit in, but when we spoke to her on the phone she said she was Chief Interrogator of the Flesh Eaters now, so it looks like we needn’t have worried!”

Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “I was a bit concerned when I got a text message from my son Kevin mentioning that the former school bully had been made into shoes.

“But at least he’s getting some exercise instead of sitting in front of that blasted X-Box playing violent video games.”

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Toast lands on buttered side because everything is shit

THE reason dropped toast always lands on the buttered side is that everything is shit, according to scientists.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “After dropping 2,000 pieces of buttery toast and seeing every one result in a sticky mess, we concluded that the universe is just an evil place.

“You may have noticed how if anything can fuck up, it generally does.

“In essence, it’s not really worth trying to do anything – work, relationships or even a hobby – because it will all fail miserably.”