School Subjects To Be Dicked About With

BRITAIN’S primary school curriculum is to be radically reformed after ministers realised they hadn’t dicked about with it for at least a year.

'Fuck it, it's close enough'

From next year the school day will be split into broad themes including noises, shapes, colours, feelings and relentless political indoctrination.

Experts say the system may not improve standards of literacy and numeracy, but has given them something to do for a few weeks.

The six new subject areas are:

Noises: Moo. Baa. Grrr. Vroom. Plop. These are all noises. Make three of them before lunch.

Shapes: What shape is a lesbian? Are circles French? What rights does a triangle have? Will also cover the shapes of numbers, although the sound of numbers will be covered in Noises.

Colours: The children will be encouraged to mix blue with yellow and green with orange as a way of understanding contraception and exotic sexual positions.

Feelings and Flavours: Does seven taste of cheese? How do you feel about two plus two? Does spelling make you sad and angry? Let’s not do it then.

The Labour Party: Will cover the ideology, evolution and structure of Britain’s Natural Party of Government and why the Conservatives want to touch you in the bad place.

Nintendo: Everything else is probably covered by some sort of Nintendo game, so from 10.30am until 3pm each day the children will be given a Wii and left to get on with it while the teachers stand at the back door smoking cigarettes and booking holidays.

The Conservatives last night attacked the proposals and set out their own curriculum, including money, standing up straight, advanced money and poof-spotting.