School Subjects To Be Dicked About With

BRITAIN’S primary school curriculum is to be radically reformed after ministers realised they hadn’t dicked about with it for at least a year.

From next year the school day will be split into broad themes including noises, shapes, colours, feelings and relentless political indoctrination.

Experts say the system may not improve standards of literacy and numeracy, but has given them something to do for a few weeks.

The six new subject areas are:

Noises: Moo. Baa. Grrr. Vroom. Plop. These are all noises. Make three of them before lunch.

Shapes: What shape is a lesbian? Are circles French? What rights does a triangle have? Will also cover the shapes of numbers, although the sound of numbers will be covered in Noises.

Colours: The children will be encouraged to mix blue with yellow and green with orange as a way of understanding contraception and exotic sexual positions.

Feelings and Flavours: Does seven taste of cheese? How do you feel about two plus two? Does spelling make you sad and angry? Let’s not do it then.

The Labour Party: Will cover the ideology, evolution and structure of Britain’s Natural Party of Government and why the Conservatives want to touch you in the bad place.

Nintendo: Everything else is probably covered by some sort of Nintendo game, so from 10.30am until 3pm each day the children will be given a Wii and left to get on with it while the teachers stand at the back door smoking cigarettes and booking holidays.

The Conservatives last night attacked the proposals and set out their own curriculum, including money, standing up straight, advanced money and poof-spotting.



Keane Resigns To Spend More Time With The Voices

ROY Keane resigned as manager of Sunderland yesterday to spend more time with the 26 voices that echo around the inside of his head.

Keane quit his post after advice from Sir Gerald Basketball, an invisible scientist who Keane has been having conversations with for over a year.

He said last night: "It was a difficult decision so I consulted everyone – Sir Gerald, Billy the Mouse, Arthur the African Astronaut, Edwin and Trevor the 20ft twins, and, of course, the floating ghost of Ernie Wise.

"Sir Gerald kept saying 'It's your duty Master Roy' while Billy the Mouse said I should hang on in case all the other teams exploded.

"Ernie was great. He was the one who told me to grow a beard so I would look like President Ahmadinejad of Iran."

Keane said this season's poor performances were not entirely his fault as for the last six weeks the team has been picked by a bottle-nose dolphin that pops up in his bath every Friday night.

He added: "You know it's time to go when you're taking selection advice from a dolphin with absolutely no Premier League experience."

The former Manchester United captain said he would now be taking some time out from football to concentrate on a demanding programme of electro-shock therapy.