Scientists capture person who buys fantasy-themed ornaments
THE mysterious individual who single-handedly sustained the market for pewter dragon statuettes is being held at a secure laboratory.
A team from the Institute for Studies had been in pursuit of Britain’s elusive fantasy trinket buyer for over a decade, finally bagging their specimen after setting up a fake shop called Gifts of Olde Avalon in Shrewsbury.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “For years we’ve looked at those little statues of dragons holding pretend crystals, Merlin snow-globes and leather pendants with elves painted on them and wondered – who the fuck buys this?
“The answer is a 51-year-old spinster from Trowbridge called Emma Bradford who lives in a terraced house with six cats and 146 dream catchers.”
Bradford’s extensive collection of poor quality sub-Tolkien fancies includes a 3D painting of a Balrog in a limited edition PVC frame, a copper-plated Excalibur and a candle in the shape of an orc’s pronged penis.
There is also an airbrushed painting entitled Werewolf Moon which is presented on a leather scroll and apparently cost £20.
She said: “It’s just my unique personal taste. Now please let me out of this net and stop taking samples of my hair and skin.
“I’ll have you know I’m a practising Wiccan and could turn you all into chairs.”