Friday, 14th May 2021

Second-born children absolute nutjobs

THE second-born child of any family is completely and utterly mental, exhausted parents have confirmed. 

The families of well-behaved firstborn children admitted they were lulled into a false sense of security before giving birth to certifiable maniacs.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “They’ve both been brought up the same, but Seth gets up and watches a bit of Netflix while Amelia leaps into our bedroom screaming ‘Today I am a guinea pig and I am going to EAT YOUR FACE!’

“At dinner she climbs on the table claiming there’s a bomb in her cottage pie. When she cleans her teeth she has to run a circuit of the whole house while brushing. She made me take a picture of a dead rat and wants it framed.

“From the moment she wakes up she seems to think ‘what can I destroy today?’ Meanwhile her older brother rolls his eyes, sighs, and does his homework early.”

Seven-year-old Amelia Bradford said: “I am the queen of poos and I’m going to throw all the cutlery in the bin, make a den out of yoghurt and then wee in the big pan.”

Child psychologist Helen Archer said: “The well-behaved firstborn tricks parents into being confident enough to have a second child, who is an unhinged trickster Satan.

“I’ve written a whole paper proving this, but my second child put my MacBook in the microwave.”