Second-born children absolute nutjobs

THE second-born child of any family is completely and utterly mental, exhausted parents have confirmed. 

The families of well-behaved firstborn children admitted they were lulled into a false sense of security before giving birth to certifiable maniacs.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “They’ve both been brought up the same, but Seth gets up and watches a bit of Netflix while Amelia leaps into our bedroom screaming ‘Today I am a guinea pig and I am going to EAT YOUR FACE!’

“At dinner she climbs on the table claiming there’s a bomb in her cottage pie. When she cleans her teeth she has to run a circuit of the whole house while brushing. She made me take a picture of a dead rat and wants it framed.

“From the moment she wakes up she seems to think ‘what can I destroy today?’ Meanwhile her older brother rolls his eyes, sighs, and does his homework early.”

Seven-year-old Amelia Bradford said: “I am the queen of poos and I’m going to throw all the cutlery in the bin, make a den out of yoghurt and then wee in the big pan.”

Child psychologist Helen Archer said: “The well-behaved firstborn tricks parents into being confident enough to have a second child, who is an unhinged trickster Satan.

“I’ve written a whole paper proving this, but my second child put my MacBook in the microwave.”

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Line of Duty to conclude with right load of bollocks

THE sixth series of Line of Duty is to conclude tonight with a right load of nonsensical double-crossing conspiracy bollocks. 

The finale will see Ted turn out to be Jo’s mole, Thurwell to have faked his own death, Kate sending a secret message in semaphore with her nail art and H to be Patricia’s evil multiple-personality psychic identical conjoined twin.

Former fan Joanna Kramer said: “Like any long-running thriller that asks more questions than it can answer, the conclusion will be an absolute car crash.

“Everyone will be lying to everyone else, nobody will be who they seemed, minor characters from earlier series will turn out to be alive and pulling the strings, and Bran will be made king. Oh, hang on. That’s another show.

“It’s all about the journey in programmes like this, and the journey always ends with the writer admitting he lost the thread somewhere in series three and has been piecing it together from fan theory sites ever since.

“In reality what happens is police investigate police, police find copious evidence of police corruption, police cover it up and receive big pension. But that’s never going to get 10 million viewers on a Sunday night.”