Secret Santa present chillingly well-chosen

A SECRET Santa gift has terrified the recipient by being so thoughtfully chosen it suggests someone in the office knows the real her.

Helen Archer of Lancaster says she has been unable to relax since receiving a hardback photography book which indicates someone nearby has paid close attention to her thoughts and interests.

She said: “The moment I tore off the paper, my blood ran cold.

“I was expecting a comfortingly impersonal Boots three-for-two, but instead it was a book from the art exhibition I went to earlier in the year.

“Somebody in this office has listened to me, remembered my words and used the information in a thoughtful way, breaking every unwritten rule of Secret Santa.

“What if they see me as more than just a colleague to be tolerated 40 hours a week? What if they want to be friends outside work?

“Why couldn’t I have got an eight-inch dark chocolate cream-filled novelty penis, like last year, something without any sinister connotations?”

Colleague Julian Turner said: “I was Helen’s Secret Santa. And yes, it is love.”

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The Mash spoils Star Wars: The Force Awakens

STAR Wars: The Force Awakens reveals that Luke Skywalker and R2-D2 were working for the Sith all along.

Han Solo, blasted from behind by the traitorous droid, turns his broken body round to whisper “You…” before dying.

New droid BB-8 reveals he is Artoo’s illegitimate son, conceived after a massive robot piss-up in the Mos Eisley cantina.

Traitor Luke Skywalker is also quite sleazy and offers ‘intimate mind massage’ to Stormtroopers’ vulnerable widows.

Rey is Luke’s daughter, who lives with her mum and anally retentive stepdad/arch villain Kylo Ren in a giant floating weapon/housing estate called the Kill-de-sac.

Finn is a Jedi who was raised by Wedge Antilles before being kidnapped by a Jawa disguised as Yoda.

The Millennium Falcon is destroyed with Chewbacca inside. It’s just horrible.

In the final scene, Kylo Ren removes his mask to reveal he has huge, googly eyes.

You’re welcome.