Sex tapes suprisingly hard to make

MAKING your own sex tape is fraught with technical difficulties, it has emerged.

New data shows the ongoing trend for documenting intercourse has resulted in a 98% failure rate, with most efforts looking like two pinkish blobs trying to merge.

Emma Bradford, from Peterborough, said: “My husband and I made a sex tape because we slavishly copy all aspects of celebrity behaviour.

“On the first attempt we kicked the tripod over. Then it was in some weird night vision mode that made it look like the film Predator.

“We eventually got a bit of ok footage, but then my husband edited it on the computer with the decidedly unerotic soundtrack of Sweaty Betty by the Macc Lads.”

Roy Hobbs, from Hatfield, added: “Even a subtle thing like having a half-eaten packet of Hob Nobs visible on the bedside table can really spoil the magic.”

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Ed Miliband still searching for his Kinnock-in-the-sea moment

ED Miliband has admitted that he’s still looking for the moment that will indelibly define him as a bell-end. 

While unveiling a statue to commemorate next week’s 30th anniversary of Neil Kinnock falling into the tide like a fucking clown, Miliband said he’s hopeful his own landmark humiliation will arrive soon.

He continued: “Inevitably I’ll somehow manage to lose the election against a group of people pretty much everyone hates, just as Kinnock did.

“But it would be dreadfully embarrassing not to have a signature moment of idiocy on which to blame my loss.

“Maybe I will walk into a street sign and hurt my groin, or go arse-over-tit on some discarded fried chicken. Who knows, you just have to let these things happen organically.”