Six things to do with exactly six friends

STILL allowed to meet in a group of six? You’re probably wondering – what can I do with exactly five other people? Here are some excellent suggestions.

Three-a-side football

With two people in goal, each team will only have one player to pass to, so it will be quite boring. Also it won’t exactly be difficult to know which player to mark. But, as with much amateur football, you might win thanks to the other team being unbelievably shit.

A small orgy

Has two advantages over a big orgy: there’s less cleaning up to do afterwards, if you catch our drift, and a smaller orgy is less intimidating, reducing the risk of your penis not working due to nerves.

Cold Feet roleplay

Everyone loved Cold Feet, so each choose a character and act out your favourite scenes. Just don’t pick Karen, though, because it was just really depressing when she became an alcoholic.

Pretend you’re at a tragic leaving do

Remember when the socially dysfunctional IT guy left your company and no one cared? Recreate a poorly attended leaving do by making awkward smalltalk and three of you leaving early to get pissed somewhere more fun.

Dungeons & Dragons

You’ve got an ideal number for a D&D campaign with one of you as dungeon master. However if you are going to pretend to be Argolas, a 3rd-level Elven warrior-mage, don’t invite anyone you want to sleep with.

Form an Enid Blyton child detective gang

Enid Blyton invented the Famous Five and the Secret Seven, so there’s no reason you can’t be the Smashing Six. Take care when investigating smugglers, though. The modern ones tend be more into gangland heroin and cocaine deals and will blow your f**king head off.

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Men happy to avoid talking to barbers

MEN are continuing to enjoy not having to make small talk with their barbers on a monthly basis.

The UK’s males have agreed that scruffy barnets are a small price to pay compared to having an awkward conversation with a stranger while wearing a cape.

Martin Bishop said: “I only do things during the evening and at weekends so I have something to talk about at my next appointment. It’s a real relief not to have that pressure.

“Once I improvised and made up stuff about myself. Bad move. I was trapped in a web of lies for years and my hair was falling out in clumps because of the stress, which only led to more questions.

“The trick is to pace yourself. You don’t want to blow your load too early. Take some cue cards and save some meaty talking points for the halfway mark. Just make sure they don’t see them.

“When the salons open again I’ll stick to safe topics like football and beer, then whip out the perilous state of Hong Kong’s autonomy if the conversation dries up.”

Barber Tom Booker said: “I’ve learnt to tune out Martin’s droning and just say ‘Oh yeah?’ every 10 seconds. However I still ask him if he saw Spurs although he’s clearly not interested. It’s just a barber thing.”