Smart motorways are great because we can drive three abreast, say lorry drivers

LORRY drivers have confirmed they love these new four-lane smart motorways because now they can block three lanes at once. 

The motorways eliminate the hard shoulder to create another lane which a heavy goods vehicle can thunder along at between 56 and 60mph shoulder-to-shoulder with its comrades.

HGV driver Stephen Malley said: “Obviously we leave one lane free, for all the other traffic. Not that they ever thank us for it.

“Sure, it’s okay matching your speed exactly with one other HGV, but doing it with two and keeping it that way for 60 miles of M1 is a real test of skill. Helps keep you awake.

“And they’re perfect for practicing our formation driving. We’ve got a sequence called the Mathematics Suite where five lorries do a plus sign then a multiply then a divide. It looks beautiful from above. Shame there’s nobody there to see it.

“But even from behind you’ve got this magnificent wall-of-goods effect with a tiny gap through which cars flow through, like a river rapids. It’s exhilarating just to be part of it.”

When told that smart motorways often function with just three lanes, Malley said: “Well that’s not my fucking problem.”

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Most effective cleaning hack is not bothering your arse

THE best way to cut down time and effort spent on cleaning is to fuck it off and do something else, experts have confirmed. 

The conclusion comes after a wide-ranging survey which tested more than 300 cleaning hacks against a control group that did nothing more than push the hoover around once a fortnight and were far happier.

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We tried them all, from pouring Coca-Cola down the toilet to washing towels in vinegar to using toothpaste on your cutlery. And they were all basically bollocks.

“Everyone knows, deep down, there’s no such thing as the perfect cleaning hack. But in double blind tests nothing beat ‘not bothering’ for time saved and effort conserved.

“Stuff only gets dirty again anyway. The cleaner it is, the more you notice it.

“Fucking it off and having a cup of tea instead is as close as we will ever come to 100% efficiency.  I would stake my reputation on it.”

Housewife Carolyn Ryan said: “I’ve got a bloody incredible cleaning hack. I hire a cleaner.”