Starbucks trashed in pre-Christmas milf brawl

NINETEEN women are in custody after a branch of Starbucks was destroyed in Britain’s biggest milf brawl.

Fighting broke out in Stevenage at around 3pm yesterday when eight boxes of Heston Blumenthal ‘Wise Man’ scented mince pies were flattened by the back wheels of a Bugaboo Cameleon pram system.

Eyewitness Stephen Malley said: “One minute the girl was chatting away on her Blackberry, the next her pram’s gone over the Waitrose carrier and all hell’s broken loose. I knew I had to get out fast, but I got clipped by a flying Hunter welly. It really smarts.

“There was total carnage. They were smashing those really big mugs over each other’s heads and trying to poke each other in the eye with wooden stirrers.”

He added: “Some of those girls have had a load of work done. They can punch each other really hard and they don’t feel a thing. Their face just pops back into shape like a yoghurt carton.”

Tension had been rising in the bustling town centre since early afternoon when the high street Boots ran out of Sanctuary Spa products, forcing desperate milfs to buy items not included in 3-for-2s.

Nicky Hollis, a 31 year-old milf, said: “When you’ve had to shell out that much on a gift for your dad’s ugly girlfriend, there’s nothing you want more than a triple-shot eggnog latte to take the edge off.

“But if some bitch thinks she can take that away from me then she better be okay with losing an eyelid.”

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Kim Jong Un waiting on IT support

APOCALYPSE facilitator Kim Jong Un will start his new job as soon as IT has helped him login to his work computer.

The North Korean leader has ordered a three-month period of mourning, punishable by death, while Brian from IT shows him how to manage the country’s terrifying doomsday network using Outlook Express.

British ambassador Tom Logan said: “Under the previous regime most recruitment issues were referred to the Human Resources crocodiles, so succession planning hasn’t been the smoothest.

“Jong Un spent an hour at reception this morning explaining to the security guard that he hadn’t been issued his photo ID yet.

“The first thing he did when he got to his desk was ask which department deals with having people’s wrists broken for dicking him about.”

Meanwhile, the new leader has been asked to think of an eight-letter password for his desktop, ruling out ‘bornofheaven69’, which he uses at home.

He will also have to overcome the animosity of several generals passed over for the job with analysts warning that his plan to bring in a muffin basket every Friday might not be enough.

One unnamed general said: “I’ve been updating my CV every month since Jong Il had his stroke in 2008 and I’ve got a sensational Powerpoint presentation on how I’m the best man to crush our nation’s puny foes that they didn’t even look at.

“It just goes to show it’s not what you know that counts, it’s which psychopath’s ball-bag you were fired from.”