Teenagers reassured that exam results count less than social class

EXAM results are less important than social factors beyond your control, teenagers have been reassured.

Following a slight dip in GCSE grades, researchers at the Institute for Studies said kids needn’t worry because their futures will be mostly decided for them.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Not getting the results you want can seem like the end of the world.

“But don’t worry, there are lots of other things that will determine the pattern of your life, most of which you can do absolutely nothing about.

“For example, if your parents are wealthy or of high social status, they’ll be able to pull some strings at a top college or university even if you’ve fucked up a bit.

“Or they might just give you a load of money so you never have to really do anything, except maybe launch a half-hearted pop career.

“On the other side of the coin, if you are poor and bright you will always struggle to compete and might decide to give up.

“Look at those goombahs running the country. Do you think that is the product of an egalitarian society?

“So there’s no need to stress about missing the grade you wanted in Maths because as you age you’ll discover that everything is basically corrupt.

“Also no fully-grown adult even remembers what GCSEs they got.”

16-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I feel much better now.”

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God told me to sit around playing console games, says Pope

POPE Benedict quit his job after a ‘mystical experience’  in which God told him to sit around playing Bioshock and eating crisps.

He said: “There was this thing like a cloud that appeared in my bed chamber. God’s face was in it, with a big beard and stuff just like in films.

“In this boomy voice God said, ‘Poooope it is time for you to take it easy. And if anyone gives you grief about it I shall smite them.'”

“So there you go.”