TESCO has warned the people of the UK that they will pay with their lives for abandoning it.
The once dominant supermarket is determined to go out in a blaze of glory rather than fade away like Fine Fare.
A spokesman said: “The legend of a store where every little helps will be the only surviving memory of Britain and its people in the blasted, empty ruin this island will become.”
The operation will begin with riots at Tesco stores caused by rock-bottom prices and the offer of 10,000 Clubcard points for the head of a rival supermarket employee.
Once in control of the nation’s food supplies, Tesco will draft young men for a bloody civil war against the government fighting from Tesco Extra strongholds.
Tesco Metros will become munitions dumps for urban warfare, with a Tesco Local in every neighbourhood housing enough stackers-turned-soldiers to enforce a curfew.
Mary Fisher of Crawley said: “I shop at Tesco, I bank with Tesco, my mobile phone is with Tesco, and they’ve made it clear they know all my secrets.
“But when has the government ever given me a third off pork loin steaks? I’m proud to fight and die for the red, white and blue.”