Tesco vows to take Britain down with it

TESCO has warned the people of the UK that they will pay with their lives for abandoning it.

The once dominant supermarket is determined to go out in a blaze of glory rather than fade away like Fine Fare.

A spokesman said: “The legend of a store where every little helps will be the only surviving memory of Britain and its people in the blasted, empty ruin this island will become.”

The operation will begin with riots at Tesco stores caused by rock-bottom prices and the offer of 10,000 Clubcard points for the head of a rival supermarket employee.

Once in control of the nation’s food supplies, Tesco will draft young men for a bloody civil war against the government fighting from Tesco Extra strongholds.

Tesco Metros will become munitions dumps for urban warfare, with a Tesco Local in every neighbourhood housing enough stackers-turned-soldiers to enforce a curfew.

Mary Fisher of Crawley said: “I shop at Tesco, I bank with Tesco, my mobile phone is with Tesco, and they’ve made it clear they know all my secrets.

“But when has the government ever given me a third off pork loin steaks? I’m proud to fight and die for the red, white and blue.”

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Jesus died to give us two bank holidays

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has given thanks to Jesus, who gave his life so that we could have not just a Monday off work but a Friday too.

Jesus, God’s only begotten son, died for his belief that workers deserve a four-day paid break just when the weather is beginning to pick up.

Archbishop Justin Welby said: “The heavenly miracle of Good Friday was bought with the blood of the Lamb, spilt for everyone who’s got a bit of decorating to do.”

Biblical scholars believe Jesus was a carpenter, hard at work in Nazareth, who received a divine revelation telling him to take a few days off and maybe catch some rays at the Sea of Galilee.

Jesus’s teachings spread until Easter became a holiday long enough to get 12 friends together and head into Jerusalem for a big meal with plenty of wine.

The Archbishop, reading from the Bible, said: “Now when the evening did come, He died on the cross. And behold, on the third day He rose again, nice and late after his first proper lie-in in ages.

“And He said unto them, Fear not ye for there is still no work tomorrow. Lo, does anyone fancy a pint?”